Hey you! YEAH YOU! It’s time to chill out! Right now! I mean, like, right the fuck now. Re-god-damn-lax. Stop being such a downer. Everyone is staring. Don’t worry about a thing. I’m here for you. Things are going to start looking up. It’s time to get motivated.
See, I’m a positive man. I prefer to view the world positively. I see the silver lining in every cloud. I don’t know if you’re rich or whatever, but silver is a cost effective alternative to gold. For some people, clouds mean rain aka a real damper on the afternoon. For me, clouds are an opportunity to play “that cloud looks like a penis”. I’ll tell ya, sweetheart, ain’t no losers in that game.
I don’t see myself as “unemployed”. Baby, I’m on a “quest for self-discovery”. I’m not just “some poor guy in his late-20s living with his mom”. I’m a “soul searcher”. When my ’91 rusted out Geo Metro catches fire while I’m behind the wheel I don’t run for help screaming in terror “Fire! Fire!” No way. That’s for pussies. I do a god damned sprint into a crowd shouting out “Fire! Look at the fire!” You’ve seen one firework; you’ve seen them all but you’re never gonna pass them up. Why would you? Don’t gimme that “lose a hand” argument either. My cousin Frankie blew his hand off in a firecracker accident and never had to work again or fill out any bullshit paperwork. So there.
Oh, it’s credit. Don’t gimme that look. Check out this smile on my face. Is this smile quote-creepy-unquote? Yes, but it’s also totally legit. I say screw social norms. I smile in public nonstop if I want to. People can think I’m mentally handicapped. I’m a man in touch with my inner man in touch with his inner child. That’s their nay-saying prerogative. I’m my own positive man now. That’s why I can pull off a pair of cargo shorts and a once-white mustard stained tank top. Screw how society says I should dress.
No, I don’t want to sign up for an Advantage card. Why would I want that? I’m using a credit card to buy a 4-pack of Red Bull and Doritos that taste like hot dogs or some shit. The last thing I need is paperwork, Tina from Rite-Aid. Unless, of course, said paperwork leads to your phone number going into my iPhone and you and I making a trip to Buffalo Wild Wings? They got some Wednesday deal on drafts you might be into, Tina. My mom got a flyer in the mail.
Come on, Tina. Look alive, sweetie. Smile. It ain’t that bad. I know this place is just a job to you but maybe deep down you work here because you believe you look great in a blue vest. Am I right? There’s a line forming behind me, isn’t there? People are staring, aren’t they? Oh, God.
Please, let me know quick Tina because I told my cab to leave the meter running.