This week I would like to recommend a classic snack to Impersonals readers: Puffed Wise Cheez Doodles. Wise Cheez Doodles (not to be confused with competitive brand Cheetos) are the perfect snack for anyone going through the soul-crushing break-up of a two year relationship.
Cheez Doodles are a delicious snack that don’t even require proper chewing. After you’ve spent another restless night lying on your old side of the bed, stuck in the memory of what you and Todd once were, you’ll be relieved to find your mostly-eaten bag of Cheez Doodles still on the floor. Just dig for one of the few remaining Cheez puffs at the bottom, place it on your tongue, and feel the treat disintegrate into a thousand tiny orange particles as you press it against the roof of your mouth.
Of course, Todd is someone who doesn’t need Cheez Doodles to get on with his life. He’s probably already sleeping with other people. You know he’s taken absolutely no time before having sex with all of the insufferable people he met in the drama classes you never supported his taking. Both sexes, probably more than one at a time. He’s taking this opportunity–now that he’s single, 26, and finally following his dream–to try something enlightened and to refuse to be held back by social mores. Why wouldn’t he? You helped him pay off his student loans. He has nothing holding him back now.
Wise is also the maker of a product called the Cheez Doodles Cheese Balls Barrel, a product you once noticed on a Costco run with Todd. The two of you shared a loving chuckle about it. “Who would buy a whole barrel of cheese balls?” you asked each other, before holding hands and picking out a set of Queen-sized sheets together. The answer to that question was you, by yourself, last night, when you finally gained the strength to leave your apartment. Cheez Doodles Cheese Balls contain all of the flavor of Wise Cheez Doodles in a snappy, fun, tiny ball-size. You can fit about six in your mouth at once, while vividly imagining what Todd would say if he found you here, dead, having choked yourself on a too-big mouthful of cheese balls.
Cheez Doodles are the perfect satisfying, salty snack to replenish the energy and saline you’ll lose during body wracking sobs. Buy a bag or seven to get you through the next two weeks of the “trial of not talking to each other” Todd thought would be a good idea after you called him, crying, having just watched “Notting Hill.” That movie is so the two of you, if you were a famous American actress and he was a bumbling, British travel bookstore owner. Are there bookstores devoted only to travel books anymore? Were there ever?
Oh God, Todd, I never wanted any of this. Please, I am a shell of a human being without you. If you don’t call me right now, I swear to God, I am going to eat this whole pound of deli ham. I am eating it right now. I am eating deli ham. You are breaking my heart.