5 TV Characters Jesse Pinkman Should Date

Yo, bitch.

Breaking Bad season 5 premieres Sunday, July 15th! I’m currently overdosing on my season DVDs as I rewatch in preparation for the upcoming season, and I’ve had several thoughts while watching. Including, but not limited to:

- “Seriously, Walt Jr? Really?” at, like, every single thing Walt Jr does.

- “Fuck you, Skyler. Seriously?” at, like, every single thing Skyler does.

- “I’d bang Badger. Totally.”

- “I could do meth and not get addicted.”

- “Maybe I should become a drug addict for the attention.”

- “Yup. Definitely want to bang Bald Bryan Cranston.”

and,

- “All Jesse needs is a good woman. I could be that woman!” I, then, realized that I could never be that woman. Because he is a fictional character (this is the only thing holding Jesse and me back from a whirlwind romance, followed by at least fifty years of holy matrimony) The only thing.

I expanded the logic a little bit by thinking about what characters from some of TV’s finest programs Jesse could have successful relationships with. And this is what I came up with.

Mary Crawley:

Jesse likes his girls with a little bit of an edge. And there’s nobody on Downton Abbey that has more of an edge than Mary. A Turkish emissary died after having sex with her!!!! If that doesn’t make her the next Mrs. Jesse Pinkman, I don’t know what will!

When Mary’s not side-eyeing her bitchy sister Edith, or reminding the servants that they are beneath her, she’s always looking for the highest possible marital match she can make. And I think Jesse would fit the bill. He’s rich, he’s attractive, and, sure, he doesn’t own a fabulous estate in the English countryside but he does have that cool crash pad/drug den in New Mexico!

Perfect Date: Jesse starts growing pot in the Downton Abbey gardens. Somehow, accidentally, the pot gets confused for a herb and is cooked into the food. The entire Crawley family gets high. Hilarity ensues! Jesse proposes to Mary and, under the influence of marijuana, she accepts. Jesse becomes Lord Grantham.

Peggy Olson:

The Pegster is a weed tokin’, giving HJs in a movie theater, classy lady who just wants to find her own way in the world. She’s Jesse incarnate– except, you know, a lady who lived in New York in the 60s.

The similarities that Jesse and Peggy share would be what draws them together. From the 15 seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette that I’ve seen, it’s the fundamentals that make a couple last.

Perfect Date: A nonstop bitchfest about the mean ol’ men in their lives. Both are determined youngsters that want to rise to the top of their respective career fields. And dammit, they could do it too if it weren’t for those jerks Walter White and Don Draper (at least in Jesse and Peggy’s minds.)

Shoshanna Shapiro:

She took crack. Jesse makes meth. Okay, yes, Shoshanna didn’t mean to take the crack. But who ever means to take crack? I have literally never woken up and thought, “Today is the day I take crack.” It’s all about opportunity! And Jesse is a guy that capitalizes on opportunity.

And just think about the business partnership that could prosper if these two crazy kids ever hit it off. You’ve got Jesse with the drug wherewithal, and Shoshanna’s persistent personality. If Shoshanna came up to me and started nervously spouting off why I should buy drugs from her, I’d probably buy whatever she was selling just to shut her up. And then I’d donate the drugs to charity. They’re not really my thing. Crack is whack, you know?

Perfect Date: Attending an awesome party in Bushwick or Greenpoint or wherever the new cool place in Brooklyn is, Shoshanna walks up to a hipster and asks if he wants to buy drugs. The hipster says “No way, man. I’m straight-edge this week!” Jesse walks over and punches the hipster in the mouth. The hipster takes thousands of dollars out of his trust-fund and buys meth. Jesse and Shoshanna celebrate.

Cersei Lannister:

I don’t know how into this match Cersei would be, considering the fact that Jesse’s not her twin brother, BUT, in theory, I think this would actually be a stellar match for the both of them.

Cersei is rather pigheaded. Jesse’s down-to-earth nature could really help bring her down to a level that human beings could tolerate. It would mellow her out. So instead of having sex all the time with her cousins and threatening death to the Seven Kingdom’s poorest, maybe she’s be cool with a night of just watching TV and eating pizza. And Jesse’s always had a hard time with the consequences of the deadly career field he is in, so perhaps Cersei could help him with one of her famous pep talks in which she screams “If I were a man, things would be different!”

On second thought, these two might be Westeros’ Sid and Nancy.

Perfect Date: Cersei screams at a handmaiden until everyone in the room is uncomfortable. Jesse smokes meth in the bathroom to deal with the stress of dating Cersei. They make love, violently and passionately, until an 8-year old boy sees them. Jesse has no choice but to shoot the child in the head. Cersei and Jesse continue with their lovemaking.

Erin Hannon:

Maybe all Jesse needs is a really nice and sweet girl. Someone that organizes Glee-viewing parties, and thinks you throw out a disposable camera after you’re done taking pictures.

Jesse’s had a rough go of things. He needs a saccharine ginger in his life. Plus, Erin could probably stand to hear the word ‘bitch’ more often in her daily life. Their differences would compliment each other! Just like Oprah and Steadman!

Erin seems like the kind of girl Jesse would want to change for. He could bring her daisies and cupcakes to Dunder Mifflin. She, in exchange, could learn the chemistry behind making meth. They could get matching skull tattoos. They could get a dog and name it Skull or Butch or Princess.

This is the kind of relationship that would either last for decades or end quicker than the Titanic’s maiden voyage.

Perfect Date: Jesse writes Erin a poem about how he loves her because she’s purer than blue meth. Erin shows Jesse the new barbed wire tattoo she got. They have sex on an unmade bed, while Celine Dion plays in the background.

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