It’s that time of year again. That’s right: summer. Along with summer comes, you guessed it, weddings. While most choose the traditional wedding – tux, gown, man of the cloth, church – there has always been some folks who have taken a more unorthodox approach. However, over time many of these have been done and done again. They’re tired. There are the classic but overplayed Hawaiian and disco themes. Who could forget all of the Great Depression themed soup kitchen weddings in the ‘40s? And of course there were all of those nerds with their Star Wars ceremonies. With all of these options gone tragically stale, I am here to offer a few fun but lesser used options.
I figured we’d start it with my particular favorite: divorce. The party is over before it even begins with this one. Forget playing limbo. The Divorce theme comes with its own really fun game: “Are you fucking my brother, Kate!?” After the ceremony both families will have a blast dividing assets and cursing at one another for next to nothing.
Sharks and Jets
Perhaps you’re a couple with a taste for the theatrical. This take on West Side Story is perfect for you. Each family is forced to take on the role of rival gangs the Sharks and Jets in a violent duel based around something that is mostly meaningless and end someone getting ruthlessly gutted. The choreography is also visually stunning.
You might be asking, “Dan Eastman, what makes you such an authority on weddings?” And I say to you shut up! I’ve had seven of my own and I’ve been escorted out of a dozen others and never invited back. Also, I’m pretty good at aligning table décor with seasonal colors. It’s an innate talent. I didn’t choose this job. This job chose me.
Lord of the Flies The doors are locked and barricaded. This is our island now. Nobody can leave because this is our island. We’re trapped. Food is scarce and not particularly filling because someone chose chicken instead of steak! I wanted the dual option but you said we should save the money for the honeymoon. Now there won’t even be a honeymoon. We’re all trapped in here in this wedding chapel in a test of survival and tolerance. This is marriage in its truest form. This is marriage in the raw. Crimson masks for everybody!
Whoa! Okay. I’m not sure how this one got in here. I’m going to be honest; I’m a little embarrassed by it. Let’s say the bride’s family isn’t too fond of the groom and well…I have a lot of shoe polish in storage. Oh my god. I’m so sorry.
It’s a beautiful day with the exception of that lone grey cloud looming. We’re not going to let it put a damper on this day. The bride’s dress fits perfectly. The groom is ecstatic. Not only does he have the woman of his dreams but he’s getting that big promotion. They’ve never been happier. Their families have never been more proud. Well, except one vindictive backstabber among them. They’ve got the photos and there are definitely copies. They can ruin you. Who are they? Look among them, can you really trust any of them? How long can you fake it? Some of the faces you don’t even recognize. You won’t find out until the end and you’ll feel even dumber because you should’ve known all along. The signs were there, weren’t they, Kate!? It didn’t have to be this way! SPOILER ALERT: There’s already been an actual murder. It’s in that closet by the coats. You probably want to clean it up before the smell sets in and ruins the wedding.
Everybody is Already Married
Phony wedding rings are given at random to folks in attendance. The bride and groom take turns sleeping around with each of them, experimenting with them sexually and with their wallets, sometimes playing home wrecker. Eventually, they just get frustrated and we settle for one another into a long, and emotionally turbulent relationship. Right, Kate? Go right ahead and screw that professor from UPenn because he’s smart and his dick’s not as weird. I don’t care. I’m sorry I slept with the Jewish woman who owns the salon on Fabric Row, okay!?
That should do it, guys! These are just six clever themes you can use to spice up your wedding. It only happens once if you’re lucky so why not make it an occasion to remember? Feel free to email me for any tips and advice. And don’t listen to a word that bitch Kate said because she’s just trying to build a case against me. I’m also a man of the cloth so I am legally qualified to marry you myself.