O Canada In Review (Happy Canada Day)

Yesterday Canada celebrated its birthday with loud noises, barbeques, get-togethers, and fireworks. For those of you who live to the south (America), Canada Day is the equivalent to your Independence Day – without the Will Smith alien action movie to commemorate it.

Being Canadian as well as The Impersonal’s in house music reviewer, I thought it very appropriate to review Canada’s National Anthem, O Canada*, line by line.

O, Canada…

This is a pretty good start. It lets the audience know what we are singing about and that we praise this glorious country. Well done.

Our home and native(?) land

FACT: The lyrics were written by a guy named Adolphe. Two things about this are questionable, at best. First, if many years of history classes have taught me anything it is to never trust a man named Adolph(e) – spelling doesn’t matter. Secondly, Adolphe isn’t exactly a Native Canadian name nor is Canada our native land, Adolphe. This stanza is a tad presumptuous, no?

True patriot love in all thy sons command

Whose sons are we talking about here!? And another thing… patriotism isn’t exactly what Canada is known for. We are more about complacency to the rest of the world. Is anyone truly proud of our nations “accomplishments” or “identity” or “culture”? Doubtful (proof: Two and a Half Men is the number one show in Canada – sad face). Maybe we haven’t realized our potential in patriotism yet. Most likely we are still waiting for the command from thy sons.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free

I hope this is figurative and all Canadians don’t literally have glowing hearts. I’m no doctor, but that seems bad; Chernobyl bad.

As nice as this phrase sounds it is utterly meaningless. Here is another perfect example of Canada’s existence only in relation to the U.S. of A. North is a relative direction, even True North. It requires a base point (north of something). We are north of Amurika, otherwise we are contained within our own boarders with a compass rose all of our own. North to most of Canada is Greenland, the Baffin Islands. Those places aren’t cool! Let’s try not to aggrandize the suckiest places in this country**. You don’t hear Mexico referred to as The True South, do you?

From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee

Oh brother! Judging by the folks who sing this song we have a pretty sad militia, made of school children and hockey fans, standing on guard. This may relate back to why we are so complacent; Canada is terrified of ever being attacked. The previous stanza is big talk to make other countries believe we are strong (secret: we are not).

God keep our land glorious and free

This sounds like a prayer of desperation. Canada’s freedom is only possible through Divine intervention. It is a miracle we are our own country and we know it. Please, God, let us keep it. Please.

*MUST WATCH: William Shatner sings O Canada

**I fully realize Greenland is not in Canada, but I was merely trying to make a point. North to most Canadians is no fun.

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