Justin Bieber's Believe: An Attempt At An Honest Review

What do you know about Justin Bieber (aka Biebs, aka JB)? I know he just came out with a album. I also know that I couldn’t name a single Justin Bieber track. This is not because I am officially protesting his music, but mostly because I am not 13 years old and wearing a brightly colored snapback cap, matching sneakers and a ridiculous hoodie (please disregard that I indeed own all of these things and wear them all the time). Also, there is something unsettling about a grown man listening to Justin Bieber; very similar to a grown man sitting on a bench, in a public playground, as children run innocently and carefree.

However, I have decided to forego my reluctance to be the creepy guy and delve into Bieber’s new album, Believe (stupid name).

Song One: All Around The World

Ugh…this is seriously the worst. The musical accompaniment sounds like a Euro-trash 1994 dance party. I had to do some research and fact checking to make sure this song wasn’t actually an Ace of Base/Justin Bieber collaboration.

I hated this song. My grandma would say, “hate is such a strong word, Eric”, but I cannot emphasize enough how much I HATE this song. Also, since when did Justin Bieber become today’s leader in philosophy? It is a nice premise that “all around the world people want to be loved”, but where is the EFFING logical proof, Justin? You can’t just go around espousing your ideals without something to back them up.

Song Two: Boyfriend

HOLY SHIT! JUSTIN BIEBER IS RAPPING!! SWAG SWAG SWAG! SWAGGY!

I can’t take this garbage much longer. Who is responsible for giving Justin the confidence that he could rap? I want to know who is responsible for the fury growing inside me.

I am well aware that this review is coming off as sniveling, but in my defense I am listening to Justin Bieber. I am also well aware that it is super easy to be the cool guy that makes fun of Biebs, but I gave him a fair try and now I want to physically hurt myself to reduce the pain of having listened to this trash.

Song Three: As Long As You Love Me

I can’t do this anymore. I give up.

Featured Writers

Thomas Green

Thomas Green

Thomas Green is a writer, podcaster ("Wrestlefolks: The Podcast" on iTunes), and...

Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

Jake went to college with Impersonals editor Matt Brand, and there was instant...

Nigel R.

Nigel R.

Nigel's ability to comment on himself is deficient at best.

You can find him...

Adam Rensch

Adam Rensch

Adam Theron-Lee Rensch is a writer & musician. He is currently finishing a...

Maura Quint

Maura Quint

Maura Quint is a writer who received the silver medal in the '88 Calgary...

Listen to The Impersonals Podcast, feat. interviews w great tweeters