Like all girls of a young age, I had terrible taste. Don’t even try and tell me that you knew what was cool when you were 13. You didn’t- unless you were thirteen in 1964 and sent locks of your hair to any member of the Beatles (except Ringo.)
In an effort to entertain you with tales of what a loser I was, I’ve gathered a list of different crushes I had during those embarrassing years known as adolescence. Please be kind. I grew up in the 90s. I didn’t know any better.
From the age of four to approximately 6:
I don’t know what it was about Dylan McKay that I, as a four-year old, latched onto but I loved this guy. I had a crush on him before I even knew what a crush was.
A lot of women watched Beverly Hills: 90210 in the early 90s. My mom was no exception. A lot of pre-kindergarteners did not watch 90210, but I wanted to be that exception. And my mom never let me (which in retrospect was probably good parenting.) I never let that minor restriction come between me and my love for a man playing a highschooler, though. Every time I knew 90210 was on, I’d pretend to go to sleep as my mother tucked me in and as soon as I heard the opening theme song I’d run out of bed and sit at the top of the stairs and feast on the neon clothing and bizarre love triangles.
I loved Dylan McKay for years- until my dad lost my Dylan McKay barbie doll and told me an elaborate story about how a little girl stole it from him at the bank.
For approximately 3 months in 1998 after watching the Parent Trap:
I was a redhead with divorced parents, OF COURSE I loved 1998′s remake of The Parent Trap. That’s not the embarrassing part. I loved that movie, partly, because of Dennis Quaid’s role as the dad.
I watched The Parent Trap VHS tape with such regularity that my mom thought I was trying to devise a plan to get her and my father back together. Rather than admit I was crushing on a 40-year old man at the age of 8, I allowed her to think I was scheming something sinister. I would literally watch the movie, rewind the tape, and then rewatch the movie again. The things we do for love- like rewinding VHS tapes! The 90s were whack!
This crush lasted for about four months until my tape broke due to constant watching. And then I forgot all about Dennis Quaid’s eyes and moved on. Oh, how fickle young love can be.
Roughly 1999 until 2000 (publicly) but secretly and actually until mid-2003:
I didn’t even have enough good sense to crush on the one member of N*SYNC that wouldn’t grow up to be a total disappointment.
Like all girls my age I enjoyed the music of N*SYNC when they first hit the scene in the late-90s. In those bloody and violent boy band wars, I was Team N*SYNC. And specifically, Team JC Chasez. He was the best dancer in the group and this was very attractive to me, for reasons I cannot articulate.
And then it became really uncool to like the band, and I was a stuck-in-the-closet N*SYNC fan (which, I guess means that Lance Bass and I had a lot in common.) I carried on, secretly, liking N*SYNC long after everyone else moved on to whatever else we liked at that time. Avril Lavigne? Maybe Blink 182, if you were really cool (which I, was not.) I still liked JC and the boys long after the band went on “hiatus” and Justin Timberlake became A Serious Actor.
Then one day kids heckled me when they saw “Mrs. JC Chasez” written on my fourth-period math notebook and when I couldn’t convince them that I liked N*SYNC ironically, I had to give up the dream of ever becoming Mrs. JC Chasez. It was the closest I’ve ever come to being in Romeo and Juliet.
Still miss u, bb.
Merry Brandybuck and Pippin Took from Lord of the Rings:
Hardcore during the summer of 2003:
Not to get all kinky and whatever, but yeah, I’d totally have a threesome with Merry and Pippin. I want to get freaky-deaky with them.
If you’re a nerd, 1999-2003 was a great time. It was the Lord of the Rings heyday and hobbit fever was everywhere! Okay, not really, but it was at my house. I spent every bit of allowance I had on LOTR action figures and posters and magazines. I didn’t wear shoes for an entire summer because I wanted to acquire feet like a hobbit and join my people. And yes, I referred to hobbits as “my people.”
I was obsessed with Merry and Pippin in the way that teens are obsessed with Justin Bieber now.
All through high school, now and forever:
This crush is a little different, because it’s not just a crush. It’s true love. And it’s going to last forever. I’ve always wanted Ben Affleck to feel about me, the way he feels about Matt Damon.
I was once so in love with Ben Affleck that I was jealous of J.LO. I mean, come on. That’s how you know it’s a volatile addiction.
Ways in which you know my love for Ben Affleck is true:
- I bought a Boston Red Sox hat, in preparation for when Ben proposed.
- I even liked him when he grew that goatee.
- I convinced myself that Boston was exotic and would be a nice place to live when we got married.
- I BOUGHT THE GIGLI VHS TAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!