They promised me it would pass. They said I was simply a child lacking experience. Today, I am a man and still, I find myself burdened with the celebrity crush. I can’t help myself. I imagine how I would meet these women and win their hearts. The fantasies in my mind are all too real to just let go. Here are seven of these first date dreams consuming me currently:
Michele Obama – I pick her up at her place around seven. It isn’t hard to find. It’s the big white one. As we drive across town, I keep the radio volume low but audible in anticipation of small talk. She seems like a B101 girl. We don’t speak at all. Michele grimaces as we pull into our destination.
“Aw, hell no.” she exclaims at the neon Applebee’s sign.
“What? Come on, Michele. It’s affordable and they have a Fit & Active menu. I know you’re a health nut. Give it a chance!”
She won’t be the last lady to end a date that way but she’s definitely the first First Lady.
Scarlett Johansson - “Look Scar-Jo, I’m sure you have some very substantial things to say. You’d probably even belittle me intellectually. But hey, no, don’t say a word. I’ve seen the movies. Why don’t we just use you as a glorified set piece while highlighting your best features? You’re quite the looker. Hey, where ya going? Black Widow! Don’t leeeave me!
Loved you in Matchpoint…”
Annoyed, Scarlett Johansson struts out of my life which is every bit as awesome to watch as it is sad. I go home alone and jerk off to Woody Allen films. Even ones without her in them.
Kathy Bates – “I’m, uh… I’m just here on a dare. I like your home, Kathy. Where’d you buy these fabrics? The L.L. Bean catalog? Sorry, that’s a little flannel humor for ya. You see, I told my friends I would have sexual intercourse with literally any celebrity and – Kathy? Kathy wait… Please put that steak knife down. Kathy NOOOO!”
P.J. Harvey – I don’t know what happened. All I remember is asking English singer-songwriter P.J. Harvey what she does for fun which is pretty standard small talk, no big deal. Next thing I know I’m in this seedy motel room next to a weird man’s corpse. Creepy! There’s a still lit cigarette smoking in the ash tray with lipstick around the filter. Best case scenario, things are going to be pretty awkward trying to explain away the death of this stranger. Can’t wait to tell the boys about this!
Zooey Deschnael – I agree to meet Zooey at Sea World on a Wednesday instead of going to my job at Shake Shack even though I told her I worked for Charles Schwabb. I don’t even call out. I just walked in and straight up told them I needed to do something quirky to reconnect with my inner child. We were going to free some dolphins. I show up with a ukulele. On our way past some lamer fish, I spot a face from my college days.
“Trent!” I call out to my friend Trent. We bro hug and he tosses me a Natty Light. I introduce Trent to Zooey and they really hit it off. Like, really. Not that I blame her. Trent was always pretty cool. I end up playing the only chord I know for a fish sucking algae off the aquarium walls. Sure could’ve used those hours at Shake Shack.
Christina Hendricks – “Hi, Christina Hendricks. Thank you so much for meeting me at this church on a Saturday evening. I know it ain’t exactly Bennigans’.” The look on her face spells impatience which is a pretty long word for a face. She wants me to get on with it. “Yo God!” I point my thumb at those boobies. “You make them things or what, big guy?”
Sasha Grey – The date starts and ends at my apartment. I tell her I have no interest in porn stars. She scowls. I tell her I have taken a journey of self-discovery and emerged a new man. Her sex in not desirable and I have nothing to offer her. I explain that what I really want is for her to read to me. Her expression changes, her face glows like heaven. She pats my head and reads me Siddhartha until I fall asleep. Never have I seen a woman happier.