Goddammit Carly Rae! Do you have any idea what it does to a grown man’s reputation to be obsessed with your deliciously amazing song? This is terribly embarrassing, but I cannot resist listening to Call Me Maybe over and over again.
This is just like the summer I listened to Len’s Steal My Sunshine on loop. Do you even know how many friends I lost that summer? Only like 2-3, but as a percentage of overall friendship we’re talking like 87% of friendship was lost (I didn’t have many friends then). Now I have even less friends and can’t afford to lose any of them. Quite frankly though, I don’t have a choice. I can’t stop listening! And no one wants to be around a fully grown man, with chest hair and everything, while he unabashedly listens to Call Me Maybe on forever repeat.
Honestly, I try to hide it but I do most of my music listening in the car and it’s summer. That means my windows are down and people can hear. Plus, there is no way, and I mean NO WAY!, I am willing to listen to your beautiful song at a reasonable level. That shit is going all the way to eleven! (Watch This is Spinal Tap for reference). Therefore, pedestrians all around the city have witnessed the sad sight of me, said full grown, hairy chested man, passionately sing along to Call Me Maybe (as if my car was the hottest karaoke club around) in a Volkswagen Jetta, essentially a girl’s car. As you can tell by now, I am not portraying the image I had imagined for myself to the world and it is partly due to fantasic pop songs like yours (also included as a culprit is T.G.I.F. by Katy Perry).
These catchy tunes are leaving me with little choice but to sing along (something I should never do), dance (something I cannot do), and generally make a fool of myself (something I do well and often). So, please, I am begging you, for the sake of manhood everywhere, stop making pop songs so appealing to the stereotypical “man”. You could start by never, ever doing a collaboration with the Roots ever again. What were you thinking!? I can’t resist the Roots. Oh, and throwing Jimmy Fallon into the mix. You sneaky pop star!