After discovering a few years ago that America was actually this really big place, I developed an awful case of wanderlust. Say what you will about the ladies, fellas – wander is a terrible thing to get lusty after. So without much deliberation and with only a few days’ notice, I along with my friend Kevin became the first people in history to drive from New York to California. And while I am now probably insane, I’ve written this list of helpful hints and tips for any future adventurers in a little car and no budget.
Set Up Cost Effective Checkpoints – You’ll need places to crash on your journey. Places that aren’t in the car because you just have to be comfortable on such a long trip. Right, Kevin? Why would you sleep in a totally free rest area? Don’t worry, CraigsList.com has a great selection of people looking to expand their horizons and house some freewheeling beatniks. I suggest older, more hospitable (and vulnerable) folks whom you can charm/coerce into granting access to their fridge.
Keep Yourselves Entertained – Buy some quirky mustaches from a gas station or something. Read excerpts from Animal Farm or videotape the whole trip even when you have a nervous breakdown and you’re afraid to watch it now, Kevin.
Stop to Take in Some Sights – Now that it’s 2012, the secret is out that there’s some interesting stuff to see in America. If you’re taking such a journey, be sure you plan to see places like the Mississippi River, that crazy ass arch thing in St. Louis, the Grand Canyon, and some other stuff I never did. I like to get beyond the standard tourist haunts. Like that time we were driving in a rainstorm and the lightning turned red and went all over the place and Kevin put on the Inception original score and my car floated a little bit or maybe I’d had too much Adderall and Red Bull and hallucinated myself as Mark Wahlberg in The Perfect Storm. Maybe? IT WAS A GOOD FILM AND TOTALLY SNUBBED BY FUCKING EVERYBODY. I DON’T CARE. And suddenly the rain clears up and everything is dry and I snap out of it at the flash of an entirely different red light in my dashboard shaped like an engine and the car stalled in some shithole called Big Cabin, Oklahoma. But it’s all about positivity. That’s better than any tourist trap. You get to know the real Oklahoma. There’s a giant Indian statue and he doesn’t give you advice no matter how much you ask and beg for it and three inch cockroaches crowding the bathrooms being obnoxious and everything and it’s awful and so much blood and no one can find Kevin.
Stay Healthy; Eat Right and Get Plenty of Rest – Take Adderall. Drink Red Bull. Smoke cigarettes just to look cool. Don’t sleep. Beef jerky.
Maintain Your Vessel – Don’t be such a simpleton. There’s more to a long distance road trip than just keeping gas in the tank. You gotta check the oil levels regularly and keep a clean area. You can approach it as a team effort but ultimately the responsibility falls on Y-O-U. I’m talking about on-the-go masturbation and it is not a joke. Who else is going to take care of it? Not Kevin. He’s too obsessed with pursuing his rap career. Until you’ve become frustrated enough to successfully choke one out while surrounded by stalls of burly men stress-shitting from popping amphetamines and wrangling 18-wheelers all day, well you haven’t truly experienced The Road, my friend. This type of discipline comes in handy when you are inevitably stranded in the desert swarmed by flies without an internet connection. That’s right, no internet. Time to jumpstart that imagination you haven’t used in ages. Time to get in touch with your childhood! Think about all those women that left you because you couldn’t commit. Now do you remember why you’re taking this trip? Don’t worry. No one can hear you over the truckers.
Arrive Safely – Sure, you drove 3,000 miles and hate everyone. It’s understandable to want to drive your actual car into the actual Pacific Ocean, but don’t do that. You’re just tense, buddy. We both are. But you’ve just done something no one has ever—wait a minute—who the fuck is Jack Kerouac? So many people with more exciting experiences than yours. Why’d you always have to be so uptight. Where’s your sense of wanderlust? Where’s your book deal? You don’t get one because you managed to be more boring than Jack Kerouac and there’s no sex. No one is even going to publish your clever list article because it’s too specific. Park the car and walk into the ocean with all of your clothes on. Maybe crank it in the salt water. You can pretty much do it anywhere at this point. Go on, big guy. You deserve it.