How To Get Over Your Crush In Seven Easy Steps

Love hurts. Love scars. And everyone and their mother has gone through an agonizing crush. Unrequited love is one of the top 3 most painful things a person goes through after childbirth and kidney stones. Here are some of my tips to help get over that certain someone.

1. Assume they are dead.

So THAT’s why they never return your text messages! Also, if they are dead, then you will never end up together. End of torment. TIP: For the full effect, plan a fake funeral and bury a shoebox full of all the stuff that reminds you of them. Don’t forget to make a Popsicle stick tombstone.

2. Fuck everything.

Guy on the subway that looked at you funny? Fuck it. Dude who made your Americano this morning? Fuck it. Your next door neighbour who might still be in high school? Fuck it. This will help you realize that other people will actually WANT to fuck you.

3. Stop practicing your signature with their last name.

Self explanatory.

4. Get a cat.

Nothing beats the affection of a cute and cuddly animal. Also, this is the only way you can physically force something to love you…

5. Adopt a baby.

…Okay, two ways.

6. Become a nun.

This is very extreme, but 100% effective. This usually works a lot better if you actually believe in God. If not, try to make it as much like “Sister Act” as possible.

7. Rethink your entire life.

Since you’re never going to find true love, why not go back to school for Culinary Arts? Or backpack through Europe? Buy a Faberge egg or two? Nothing helps you get over heartbreak than going $20,000 in debt.

If none of these tips help, just write a vague depressing song lyric as your Facebook status, and when people ask you what’s wrong answer “Oh…nothing.” and/or listen to Adele until your ears start to bleed and I guarantee complete success.

Featured Writers

Thomas Green

Thomas Green

Thomas Green is a writer, podcaster ("Wrestlefolks: The Podcast" on iTunes), and...

Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

Jake went to college with Impersonals editor Matt Brand, and there was instant...

Nigel R.

Nigel R.

Nigel's ability to comment on himself is deficient at best.

You can find him...

Adam Rensch

Adam Rensch

Adam Theron-Lee Rensch is a writer & musician. He is currently finishing a...

Maura Quint

Maura Quint

Maura Quint is a writer who received the silver medal in the '88 Calgary...

Listen to The Impersonals Podcast, feat. interviews w great tweeters