Five Things To Do At Work Before You Die

How is your work week going? Got a case of the Mondays? Is Linda down the hall showing you some pictures of her surgery? Well if you’re trudging through your work with an attitude of “Am I going to die here?” then why don’t you break down the door of the supply closet and try these five things before you start crafting your coffin out of the spare desk.

Talk with Someone About a Movie You Have Never Seen:

Nothing can test your true speech skills like lying to someone about something they care about. Take War Horse for example. Say your friend comes up to you and says, “Hey did you see that movie War Horse?” instead of saying “No if I wanted to watch a movie about a horse I would watch Sex and the City 2″ say “Oh hell yeah! That horse was awesome. What a brave movie.” You can do this with any movie; just get what you need from the trailer of the movie and pepper in things like “it pushed the envelope” or “some parts were too dry”. Another example? The horrible remake of Titanic called Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, “Oh hell yeah I saw it! Those chipmunks were so funny. There were some parts that pushed the envelope and I enjoyed that”

Event Lying:

“Hey, gather ’round cause Gary over here has vacation photos to show us!” If you have heard this then you know what I’m talking about. Spend some time creating a fake vacation or surgery courtesy of Google Images and your camera. Shoot some blurry pics of your back yard and call it “Bear Attack”. An unfocused pic of spaghetti can quickly turn into “Bear Attack”. Just a self photo of you with a shocked face can easily pass by as “Bear Attack”. The point is, now you are the center of attention because no one can question the validity. If they do just say “WHY DON’T YOU EXPERIENCE A BEAR ATTACK AND THEN TELL ME I’M LYING”

Give Everyone Nicknames:

There is a fine line with this one because you can’t go around calling someone Jerry “Lazy Eye” Porter or Peggy “The Human Sperm Bank” Horbat. They have to be appropriate for the work setting and they need to stick. Try calling your boss, Jeff  “The Cat Man” Krinkle. The secretary can be “Giggles” and that guy that hangs by the water cooler can be “The Scratcher”. It’s just a fun way to include everybody, but you might be wondering what you’re nickname is. Well by the time you are done doing this your name will probably be “The Namer” or “Joe Nameth”, or Alex “The Narc” Klein but that’s not really my nickname, mine probably would be about my strength or my skills with women and drug stuff.

Bring “Clients” to Work:

How funny would it be if you were just sitting at your desk and said “Has anyone seen my client?” and then you hear screaming in the break room and words like “Stork” and “THERE IS A DAMN BIRD IN THE BREAKROOM” start getting thrown around? What I am trying to say is bring animals and people to work and just let them roam. If anyone asks, tell them you have an appointment, even if it is a horse or a couple of children. Never tell anyone where your clients came from or why they are peeing on the floor because that is breaking client confidentiality. Just slowly leave work early and take the rest of the week off.

Replace Yourself: 

This should be the last thing you do at work before you die because it involves you never coming back. Well, technically you will be back quite often, but let me explain. America is at 8 percent unemployment so go out and find some unemployed shlub and ask if he wants to be a part of the switcharoo of a lifetime. This guy (or even girl) doesn’t even need to look like you but you need to train them on what you do at work. Once you do that, follow the steps in Bring “Clients” to Work and start bringing this person to the office and eventually just leave him/her there and have him/her impersonate you. Sure you will spend most of your days hiding in the rafters or behind bushes watching the hilarious faces your coworkers will make as they ask where you are and your replacement says he/she has been there the whole time. This is the easiest way to retire.

Featured Writers

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos is a writer living in Los Angeles who learned at a tender age that if...

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian who splits her time between her hometown...

Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

Jake went to college with Impersonals editor Matt Brand, and there was instant...

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski is a writer, performer and 1,000-year-old dragon that engulfs his...

Listen to The Impersonals Podcast, feat. interviews w great tweeters