What He's Really Thinking About When He Says "I'm Listening"

It’s an age old problem in all relationships: women talk too much, men don’t listen. We ramble on about shoes, our friend Julie’s boyfriend who’s being a dick-bag and won’t text her back after like 3 days and who the fuck does he think he is OMG he’s probably cheating, and they’ve already tuned us out and are thinking about something else. What could be more interesting than your friend’s relationship problems that have nothing to do with him? Pretty much anything.

1: I bet if Godzilla had machine-guns for arms he’d of been fucking unstoppable

Oh Tokyo, you have the worst luck with giant lizard monsters, earthquakes, and achieving large penis size. What Godzilla’s master plan was always missing was some quality weapon fire. Sure, he’s big and not up for anyone’s bullshit or subtitles, but without the ability to blow shit up he’s just another box office flop. Replace his wimpy ass Godzilla arms with an AK47 and imagine the chaos that ensues on the city. Bet your friend Julie wish she had Machine-Gun-Zilla to fuck that cheating boyfriend’s shit up.

2: When you talk your boobies jiggle and I imagine my head between them

Straight men love titties. Sure, there are guys who are a bigger fan of dat-ass than the twins, but I’ve yet to meet a straight guy who doesn’t sneak a peak at any given opportunity. The great thing about women running their mouths so much is how much most of us tend to move our body while bitching about our backstabbing frienemies. While you’re channelling your inner Sasha Fierce’s sassy head bob, your lovely lady lumps are gliding, bouncing, and oh so looking magically delicious. If he seems to be paying a little too much attention as compared to usual, smiling occasionally and nodding in agreement, you can be sure he’s engaged into the role of TITTY INSPECTOR.

3: Star Wars, Time Travel, Dinosaurs

These are a common go-to for topics in a man’s head. It doesn’t even matter if they’re not a huge fan or nerd, these are all easy things to pull out of your brain that isn’t stressful and won’t give an inappropriate boner (well, probably, depends on how nerdy he is).

Things like:

“Total bullshit Luke lost his fucking hand AND the only chick in the film was his sister”

and

“I bet I could build a time machine, grab a pterodactyl and bring it back as the most bad ass pet ever”

run through his head while you’re groaning on like your mother does on the phone. It’s not that he doesn’t love you, ladies; it’s that men have a gene most women don’t even understand. I call it the no-one-gives-a-shit-shut-up gene (that is a working title). Women are overly interested in hearing everyone’s story, putting those maternal instincts to good use and helping as much as they can, and such other boring shit that doesn’t involve monsters. Next time, instead of getting mad and yelling at him for not really listening, remind yourself you’re boring and call your sister for this shit.

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