Livin' Large On Loose Change: How To Be Baller On A Budget

After spending half of 2011 employ-mentally-challenged and living in a foreign country, I was forced to find increasingly ‘creative’ ways to fund my questionable lifestyle. And while Holland sells many many brands of Ramen, years of being a student means I can’t even look at a packet anymore without my bowels impacting involuntarily. So, how to satisfy my champagne tastes on a beer budget?

1. Firstly, stop having sex. Birth control is expensive! Which is a real bummer, because for most of us, sex is one of the few free fun activities left. If you simply can’t give up the regular hot beef injections, consider buttsex! Or adopting the ‘Clinton method’ – penetrate each other with anything you fancy, just no penises in any vaginas. Get creative! I bet there’s all kinds of things just lying around the house you’ve never considered jamming into your beloved.

2. For those of you who DO have jobs – make the receptionist your BFF. Client meetings are often over catered for, and she’s the one who clears up afterward. Get her to email you with a heads-up on the sandwich sitch so you get a shot at scoring a Club while everyone else gets shitty salad on white. Mmmm – frugalicious!

3. Create an at-home beauty salon experience. Seeing as you aren’t having sex anyway, you can probably ditch the monthly bikini-wax. Or how about ripping out your OWN pubes with hot wax? The beautician always makes it look like such a hoot!
Okay, so it turns out young Tiffany deserves every cent she gets for giving me a shiny giney.
When I tried to do it myself, I cried. And I couldn’t bring myself to remove the wax. And MAYBE I got some up my butthole. And MAYBE my butthole got plugged shut. (p.s. Whatever I did to un-gum my ass remains a mystery – it was obviously so traumatic that I have repressed it.)

4. Like the at-home beauty parlour, be careful with the DIY haircut. The Youtube-torials I studied made it look so simple – if all these little Avril Lavigne-a-likes could razor some volume throughout their crown (hairdresser speak for ‘top of head’), then hell – so could I!

Okay so again, there were tears, but at least all orifices remained unobstructed.
Somehow, I don’t remember wanting a ‘Rod Stewart’? Oh well. At least this is the one time you get to punch your hairdresser in the vag for giving you a fugly ‘do.

5. Point out elderly/broken brownies to cafe staff, insisting they are unsuitable for sale and you can relieve them of having to throw them away. What a good Samaritan you are, providing this service to a society SICK AND TIRED of sub-standard snack cakes! If none of the goodies on display are broken/stale enough, maybe they can ‘drop one on the floor’ for you, wink wink. Brush off the pubes and lint and enjoy your one-way ticket to flavour-town!

6. Free interwebs! When your stupid neighbour’s wifi keeps cutting you off midway through awkward sex scenes in Girls, it’s time to find a cafe with free wifi and nurse an espresso for a few hours. (Espresso of course being the cheapest of the coffees because milk adds precious euro cents to every sip).
One of the awesome things about living in Amsterdam is that the Dutch don’t believe in customer service, so you won’t even get so much as a beat-it stare for your 5 hour Youporn and LolCats love-in.

7. Related: Many cafes supply free toilet rolls! But only for people with large handbags who are into swiping shit :(
(Obviously, I do not condone this, otherwise my guide would be totally boring and pointless and one sentence – ‘Stealing makes EVERYTHING free!’) p.s. Karma will totally bite you on this one, probably just as you’re experiencing explosive diarrhea in a Porta-Potty at a music festival on a hot day. Oh and there’s a massive queue. Of highly-bonable hotties. And you don’t got no shit tickets. Leave the theft to Robin Hood, kids.

8. Generic brand EVERYTHING. I honestly can’t tell the difference between brand-name tuna fish and ‘Tinned Marine Product’ anymore.

9. Find supermarkets with generous free samples. I found one that always has fresh apple pie chunks so big that you eat 3 and that’s LUNCH, bitch! Sometimes you don’t get so lucky, and the only thing on offer is that weird meat paste they wipe onto crackers, but eh. Beggars can’t be choosers.

10. I don’t have a tenth one. I’m saving 10% on thinking.

  • Aloysius Sheppard

    you poor as mofo

Featured Writers

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos is a writer living in Los Angeles who learned at a tender age that if...

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian who splits her time between her hometown...

Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

Jake went to college with Impersonals editor Matt Brand, and there was instant...

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski is a writer, performer and 1,000-year-old dragon that engulfs his...

Listen to The Impersonals Podcast, feat. interviews w great tweeters