Facebook has become a subtle torture for normal people who don’t like strangers. Yes Facebook events have made birthday parties much easier to organize but at what cost? Improv shows? Really? Your Dad’s funeral?
So before you click “Maybe Attending”, let me walk you through a few scenarios of the event you might attend:
Karaoke Night On The East End Of Town
So you take the 35 minute public transit ride on a Wednesday night, you get there at 10 and it hasn’t even started yet because SOCIETY, and your “outgoing” buddy won’t be there for another 15 minutes. What are you faced with? Approximately seven local patrons who will leave as soon as they hear pop music, and eighteen (teenage?) girls with big glasses and big dreams. This is karaoke.
You’ll wait an hour before your name is called, you’ll nail that ironic Phil Collins song, and you’ll get cockblocked by a redhead with a beard.
Friend of a Friend’s Ex-Girlfriend’s DJ Night
These are tempting, as they seem like a hip place to meet new people. But the new people will not like you. If the DJ is inviting strangers from the internet, then you are being led to the darkest, strangest bar you’ll ever see. The bar is in the basement of a steakhouse and no one will dance. The DJ will lure you in with Wes Anderson soundtracks and appropriate Beastie Boys shout-outs, but the night will quickly devolve into Morrissey, Nine Inch Nails and a stabbing across the street.
Step-Sister’s Art Show
This is important to attend for several reasons. First, you have to show your parents how cool you are with their decision to expand the family. Also, you can wear literally anything. Plus, when people ask you about your weekend you can be better than them.
Parties In Barns
Clearly you are out of your element. You think all parties are the same? People who party in barns have an entirely different agenda. I don’t care if it’s a fundraiser or a pet’s birthday – if it is held in a barn, someone is going to get seriously injured or set on fire and then the band has to cut their 20 minute set short. The beer is cheap because someone stole it.
Stag & Doe Parties
Ok let’s stay positive about this one. This is a great way to meet Aunts!
Your Neighbour’s 4:20 Party
He doesn’t have a job, but he DOES have a panache for hosting. He will walk the group through the fascinating history of the holiday and is quick to refresh everyone’s pipe. He’s going to try and sell you a 1991 Porsche but don’t let that get in the way of a good time – just bring your own shit cuz you wouldn’t want to be indebted to THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON ON DURIE CRESCENT.
North Korean Human Rights Film Festival
Who is even the target audience? I thought North Koreans couldn’t leave North Korea. That’s like, their thing. Would South Koreans attend? Are they cool like that? Anyways I have no idea why my cousin Bryson is involved.
Stay at home, people.