Seinfeld

It’s the classic scenario. A small group of friends casually discuss which character they’d likely be cast as on a comedic sit-com.  It’s as trivial as when you used to fight over which Spice Girl you were as a kid, right? WRONG. In the case of Larry David’s 9 Seasons of quirky neurotic perfection, otherwise known as “Seinfeld” – IT FUCKING MATTERS.

“WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH RELATING TO FICTIONAL CHARACTERS?”

I’ll tell you what the deal is, Jerry. Identifying with iconic figures makes us feel special. The neurotic hang-ups these four fabulous schmucks all share are highly relatable. That is, unless you’re one of those “socially adjusted” people or someone who enjoys family comedies with deafening canned laughter. In which case, there is a never-ending loop of Tyler Perry comedies polluting Peachtree TV that you are more than welcome to tune into. You have my deepest sympathy.

For the rest of us Jabronies, THE BATTLE IS ON. Oh, you want to be Jerry? Oh, you think you’re the funniest so you must be George? I think you need to shut the hell up and let the Jewish Comedic Gods decide. AKA – This poorly structured guide.

THE JERRY – If you are a Jerry, you already know it. You don’t need to convince your whiney friends, or question your legitimacy. You are a leading force and your assurance of this is the exact same quality that has made you a Jerry. You find yourself either in a position of power at work or in the public eye. You put up with your schmucky friends and find yourself in awkward situations due to your careless and often unfiltered self-expression. You’re no stranger to the dating world either. This includes relationships and some in between mistakes. You’re picky and analytical – it’s nearly impossible for you to be entirely content with yourself, never mind another person. Lay off your usual “What’s The Deal?” mentality, start looking into a dead bolt for your apartment door and padlock for your fridge. Kramer is like a cat: if you keep feeding him, he will keep coming back.

THE GEORGE – A George will never admit they are a George. This is the leading symptom of what I like to call, “Costanza Syndrome.” Costanza syndrome is essentially when one is delusional to their current state of neuroticism, or is so judgmental of the world around them they become completely unaware of the blatant dysfunction that is their own life. Georges are always on the look out for the next best thing. With little contentment, Georges are prone to complaining and seeking guidance from their peers. When it comes to dating, Georges are insufferable. They think they’re a Jerry, so they’ll usually enter a situation with a false sense of confidence, and accidentally say something unbearably offensive. Georges are fucking schmucks. They are also ironically the most loveable, and redeem themselves with this quality. Please inbox me for contact information on support for those with Costanza Syndrome. There are millions of sufferers everyday just like you.  And they are all equally whiney as fuck.

THE ELAINE – Oh, you’re the only girl in the group so you must be Elaine right? Wrong. Anyone can be an Elaine, like-wise with male cast members. Elaines are high achievers, yet often allow their emotions to interfere with their personal success. Elaines have no problem telling someone when to shut it, or that their baby is not as cute as they think it is. Elaines have balls, often more than their professional male counterparts. Elaines will harbor hidden resentment towards many, but are loyal friends none-the-less. If you’re an Elaine, you know your standing among the men and though not always mentally stable, manage to hold your ground. If you’re a male Elaine, well, HA-HA! Kidding. You also a force not to be reckoned with, but you might want to take some lessons from Jerry and stop PMSing like a little BITCH.

THE KRAMER- You are out there, and you are loving every minute of it. Kramers are comfortable creatures who walk around with their balls on their sleeve. I meant that figuratively, you twisted little shit. Kramers tend to not worry much about their direction in life, profession, or crossing boundaries with friends. They think of eccentric ideas on a whim, and jump in the bathtub with a blow dryer as a means of styling their hair every morning. Kramers are very jerky and spastic, and often resemble a dog trying to lick a dollop of peanut butter from the back of their head. Never question a Kramer. Just let them do their thing and make sure you’ve locked your house/set the alarm in between planned visits, as they’ve likely ran out of butter and a friend who pretends to care.

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