My iPhone is a complete fucking mess and every year around my birthday during my complete-life-reflection-everything-is-a-god-damn-disaster-why-don’t-I-own-any-dresses?-I-should-buy-some-fucking-dresses-week, I stare at my extensive archive of sandwich pictures and think “delete some pictures you idiot you have over 1000 pictures of strangers and subway puke”
I don’t know why I think any of these photos are useful and I’ve likely posted anything remotely interesting to Twitter or Facebook or Instagram or LinkedIn or Plenty of Fish or Craigslist Personals or at the Greyhound station.
But whatever, against your will let’s check out my mess of a year:
I saw this elegant lass on my birthday in 2011 and she unfortunately set my tone for the entire year however I did meet a female Asian Andy Warhol as well:
A gay sky! Also, in July I got the worst burn of my life and consequently the only tan my legs have ever experienced. Pictured below are my legs before the cruel sun turned them into two giant pieces of liquorice? Stalks of liquorice? I don’t know enough about liquorice:
I ate a hotdog in the park and while I understood that it was August and that it was hot but this entire thing was kind of my nightmare. August was also the month my shark week shirt was deemed unwearable after I spilled not only coffee but beet juice down the front of it like a disgusting baby:
Some lady handed me a business card and winked at me -likely because I need a very old senile man to take care of me. Anywho, I took the card and framed it and it hangs above my bed. On the right is the coffee shop I stop at in the morning -someone crafted an elephant into the washroom female and I thought it was a tranny wearing a cape for roughly six weeks:
Fucking hell we’re only at October.
Some guy farting in my general direction at the Greyhound station (a place I frequent) and a bag of pizza someone bought:
I encountered my first life sized iguana and while that was pretty exciting but I’d say the most exciting party of 2011 was when I discovered I could buy super long, functional underwear at Dollarama:
The (deeply religious) garden centre I pass on my way to work everyday updating their sign bi-monthly with inspiring statements. On the right we have the worst present I have ever received in my life:
Fucking ugliest Elton John cupcake nightmare beast fest. WOW I am very important.
Vegas -nightwatchman in our hotel and our offerings:
These are my to go-to photos for Facebook birthdays:
The first photo is a clever fly trap I assisted with and captured a tender moment between two dying flies and the second photo is a demonstration of how I peel a navel orange:
*Note: there is a thin layer of orange juce on everything in my cubicle and the sole reason we have so many flies.
An ad I nearly responded to (because I’m just a girl lookin’ for an elderly man to sweat on) the photo on the right is a photo of some sex pervert I encountered on the train: