Are You Depressed? A Self-Test

The Are You Depressed Self-Test is adapted from Dr. Robert Doldrum’s article “The Quickest Way To Get A Xanax Prescription”, originally published on his Tumblr (2010):1234-3476.

Answer “yes” or “no” to the following questions:

  1. Do you have a decreased sense of self-aggrandizement?
  2. Do you own any Criterion Edition Ingmar Bergman films?
  3. Have you noticed a deterioration in your ability to discuss the merits of nonfat Greek yogurt?
  4. Have you shrunken in size in the last hour?
  5. When a ‘happy’ friend posts this on Facebook, do you get physically ill?
  6. Do you see your life as one big  Daniel Clowes graphic novel?
  7. Which animal do you most associate yourself with:
    a. worm; b. snail; c. amoeba; d. lemur; e. red panda
    * If you answered the above question – STOP and PAY ATTENTION. You’re only supposed to answer YES or NO, as per the directions. Get with the program. Please proceed.
  8. Do you take showers that exceed 5 hours?
  9. When taking 5 hour showers, do you wonder what the great thinkers (Plato, Einstein, Steve Jobs, etc.) thought about while in the shower?
  10. Do you dream of electric sheep?
  11. Do you lack a “plan”?
  12. Do you lack “ambition”?
  13. Do you overuse “quotation marks”?
  14. Do you get lost looking for dental floss at your local CVS?
  15. Do you try to engage in long conversations with people who have no choice but to talk to you, such as the checkout people at CVS?
  16. No means yes and yes means no. Do you want me to hit you?
  17. Do math parabolas easily confuse you?
  18. Do you think these people were having more fun than you at that precise moment?
  19. Have you been invited to anything in the last five minutes?
  20. Do you think we added a useless question number 20 to this questionnaire just so we have a nice round number?

If you answered YES to questions 1, 7, 10, 3, 15-19, 21, or any others, multiply it by the total number of times you answered NO and divide that by the amount of MAYBE’s. If the result is 27, you may be depressed. TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT Deprenza®. Print this questionnaire and bring it into your doctor,and ask him about anti-depressants – but ESPECIALLY Deprenza®. If he suggestions something that is not Deprenza®, switch doctors immediately. For a list of Deprenza®-approved doctors, contact us.

This questionnaire has NOT* been brought to you by Deprenza®.

*It has.

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