A White Man's Guide to Thuglife

It’s hard out there for a pimp. I read that online somewhere. It’s also hard out there for us whities. People challenge our street-knowledge left and right, and I’ve had it up to here *places hand level with my shoulder*. Just because my skin is nearly translucent and I grew up in a gated community does not mean I don’t know what it’s like out there. I’ve seen TONS of documentaries. Also I listen to the rap music. My ear is to the grindstone so take it from me: you don’t have to be a minority to yell out THUG LIFE in a crowded Whole Foods.

Here are a few additional tips for establishing your street credits:

1. Don’t call them street credits. It’s ‘street cred’ because abbreviating things is how gang members do it. Also, don’t call them gang members; they’re called gangstas (Not gangsters. This isn’t the 1920s, okay?).

2. Listen to some rip-roaring rap music. Also, don’t refer to it as rip-roaring. Learn the words and attempt to rap along. Every time your favorite rapper uses the n-word, instead of saying the n-word say ‘n-word’ or ‘ninja’. Being racist does not up your street cred.

3. Practice your gang signs. Open your right hand and place your ring finger atop your middle finger so that your hand looks like a W. This is ‘the westside’ and you should flash it at everyone: passersby, your optometrist, police officers, and especially your parents who are still alive and married to each other.

4. Start not giving a fuck. If possible, start not giving a F U C K. Has your Pomeranian gone doody on your Persian rug? So what! Has your yacht club upped their membership fees? Who cares! Don’t sweat the small stuff. You’re going to have your hands full defending your turf.

5. Rep your set. This means represent your settings (I’m pretty sure). Are you from the west coast? Throw up that W. Are you from the east coast? Google search the eastside gang sign and make sure everyone sees you representing your setting.

6. Don’t front. In other words, don’t misrepresent yourself. This might seem to run contrary to all of the previous tips, but practice street slang until it’s embedded in your vernacular. You don’t want to end up sounding like a “trick-ass buster”.

7. Drink Pepsi Max.

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