Princess Diana

A terrible thing happened in Toronto last week. Terrible like on a scale of Britney Spears shaving her head to Carrie ruining the high school prom. Somewhere in the middle of that, probably. Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowels visited Toronto to “grace” us with their presence. If you ask me this is the worst presents since that time I went to 7-11 and Joe that lives in the dumpster showed me what’s in his pants and called it ‘Christmas presents’.

Where was I again? Right, yes. A travesty on the levels of Rwanda. For some reason the British royal family thought the people of Canada would want to see them? Yeah, like Canada hasn’t been through enough. We got rid of the penny this year! We weren’t ready for this! And now we have to look at Camilla’s nasty home-wrecking skank face?

As a fervent supporter of the TRUE PEOPLE’S PRINCESS, I culled a list of reasons why Princess Diana is better than Camilla Parker Bowels. You can trust my reasoning on this because I own upwards of 20 P-Diana books, magazines, and locks of her hair.

- Unicorns are better than horses. This is a fact. Another fact- Diana was a beautiful, majestic, and regal unicorn. Camilla is a horse. One that should be sent to the glue factory.

Two horses, one stall

- Elton John rewrote Candle in the Wind for Princess Diana. When Camilla Parker Bowels dies the only song she’ll get is a track I will make that is three minutes of fart noises.

- Princess Diana got to dance with John Travolta before he became a sex pervert who trolls spas for happy endings. When she danced with him the public still remembered him as studmuffin Danny Zuko. If Camilla ever gets the chance to dance with him (not bloody likely) it will just be gross and awkward and no one wants to see that.

- Allegedly (I am the one alleging this) these schoolchildren were forced, at gun-point, to take a picture with Camilla. Rather than face the risk of one day being identified and then made fun of, these creepy children elected to paint their faces instead.

Unlike Camilla, Diana never had to coerce children with the threat of their entire families being killed in a housefire. Children wanted to pose with Diana because she is the closest thing we had to an actual angel on Earth. And children can feel that (they’re like dogs in that sense.)

- Princess Diana could make Michael Jackson laugh.

- Even the wind hates Camilla.

And the reason all of this matters? Why did I have to make a list of arbitrary reasons Diana is better than Camilla? Because the “authorities” would have you believe that Princess Diana “died” in a “car accident” because her driver was “drunk” and “excessively speeding” and she wasn’t “wearing a seatbelt”. And obviously, this is all doublespeak. Anyone in the know, smart and well-informed and important to society, knows that Princess Diana was murdered. By who? Well, I’m glad you asked.

Princess Diana was murdered by Camilla Parker Bowels. She didn’t physically do so, she’s like Charles Manson. She got minions to do her bidding. Now that I have let you in on the secret it seems rather obvious, right? You might be asking“Why don’t you tell the media that you’ve reached this conclusion?” And well, it’s not like I haven’t tried. Being unemployed, I’ve sent dozens of emails to the top newspapers and tv stations and twitter accounts informing them of my findings. Sometimes I think that they don’t even read my findings and just send me a restraining order because that’s what the Royal Family ordered them to do after last time I did this. Smdh *eyeroll*

Camilla killed Diana because when there is someone that is more beautiful and effervescent than you and the entire world loves her, you need to snuff that flame. Snuff it hard. The same thing happened to Aaliyah and Anna Nicole Smith. It is all a massive international conspiracy that is being hushed up by the Queen. And we’re supposed to celebrate her diamond jubilee? Like ass I will! Like. Ass.

  • Kimi Colney

    agreed

  • Sale Said

    I read your writting and I love it. It makes me laugh all the time. Thanks for posting it.

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