Generic 1960s pic of a father and son scene.

Dear @iamenidcoleslaw:
I think my husband is cheating on me but every time I ask him about it he gets mad. What should I do??

- Desperate to Save My Marriage

Go out & revenge fuck a guy. Even if you have to pay, make sure he’s younger & better looking than your husband. He should have that punk rock vibe. Don’t use a condom. Lay on his mattress in his cluttered room. You look into his eyes and start stroking his broad chest as he kisses you passionately. He tastes like Taco Bell & PBR. He starts kissing your neck and working his way down and…jesus! I’m trying to help people and look what you made me do! Now I have to go rub one out.

How do I meet a girl? I have an online dating profile but after several months I still haven’t met anyone.
- Lonely Lad

Move out of your mom’s house. Cut your hair because I can tell you have a mullet or a reverse mullet or a rat tail or something. Remove from your profile any mention of video games, ball tricks, Mountain Dew or Dr. Who. I’ve done all I can do. The rest is in your sweaty, incapable hands!

Dude my girl sucks. I loooove pussy but she won’t put out! What should I do??
- Hardy ‘n’ Horny

I imitate people like you to amuse my friends when I run out of jokes. Find the nearest bridge & jump off it. Make sure it’s a tall one bro! (By the way everyone knows your gay.)

My son is going through his terrible two’s & will not sleep more than one hour at a time. I’m going crazy! Help!!
-Stressed Mom

Kids weird me out. They suck because they don’t even understand my sarcasm. Ask Dr. Phil or your mom or something.

I’m the super quiet one in my group of friends at school. How can I build up my self confidence?
- Cautious & Shy

Was Hitler quiet? No. You’re fine the way you are.

My girlfriend caught me jacking off to porn the other night. Ever since then she’s been giving me the silent treatment. I’ve never cheated on her but she’s making me feel like I did. What should I do?
- Bearing a Guilty Load

I knew a girl whose boyfriend forgot her birthday. You know what he gave her at the last minute? A hastily scribbled note stapled to a dollar bill. No lie. Did she break up with him? You bet your balls she didn’t. What women don’t want men to know is that we will put up with mind-blowingly huge loads of shit because no one wants to be alone and finding a new dude is a pain in the ass. Your girl is no exception. Try this: actually make an effort to stay awake after you come. Try to give her an orgasm that makes her question her very existence (pretend she’s a porn star if you have to). Your sexual selflessness will distract and make her forget she was ever upset. Also, copy your porn collection to a zip drive and I will do the same and we can compare and share. It’s win-win!

The other day I saw this nerd being picked on. I stood up for him and ever since he’s been hanging around my group. Some of my friends have criticized me and I’m scared they’re going to stop hanging out with me. Suggestions?
- Hero to Zero?

This guy once came into my work wearing a shirt similar to the one Larry David often wore on “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Like an idiot I complimented his shirt for this reason. From that moment on, every time he came in we would exchange pleasantries about the show, Larry David or some project Larry David has worked on. Eventually we ran out of things to talk about. (After all I’m not his goddamned biographer.) The last time he came in I completely avoided eye contact and I think I grunted “Seinfeld” under my breath or something. The lesson is this: social interaction is a frustrating hedgemaze that gets you nowhere. Leave the nerd be. His own kind will sniff him out soon enough and take him under their feeble, socially inept wings.

I’m a obstetrician and mother of two. My eldest son is a senior in high school who recently told me he wanted to be a graphic designer. He’s very bright. My husband and I had always hoped he would be a doctor. What’s the best way to convince him to try something in the medical field?
- A Worried Mother

You are the worst kind of parent: an ego maniac that wants a mini-me. I hope he turns out to be a rodeo clown. (Fuck off.)

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