Passive Agressive

Do you aspire to be exceedingly unpleasant? Might I suggest a stint in what I like to call passive aggressiveville. This is not a real place but rather a state of mind, and its main export is doody. Aka poop. Poop thoughts, poop actions and poop feelings. Some of us are already passive aggressive [DAD]. Others are less so. No matter which category you fall in, sometimes it’s prudent to stink up the joint* (*your life). Here is the first of a series of guides to do just that!

First of all, you’re going to need a roommate so if you live by yourself then stop reading this. I’m serious. I’m talking to you, lone wolf.

1. Is your roommate distant or unusually quiet? This cannot stand. Get them back by being equally distant if not more so. They might not understand why your living situation is deteriorating at a marked pace, but you’ll know. You will know.

2. If your roommate has any of the major bills in his/her name, make sure you don’t pay them your share in a timely fashion. If they have the audacity to bring this up verbally then make sure you quietly resent them. They know you don’t have a great job. They know money is tight. Why are they asking for cable money when you JUST paid rent??

3. Has your roommate ever accidentally woken you up in the morning? This cannot go unanswered. Exact your revenge by using the paper shredder in their room while they’re napping. Clearly you will have to sabotage your own paper shredder as an excuse to use theirs (might I suggest you pour salsa into its gullet) but it will be worth it. I will personally buy you another paper shredder.

4. Do you have a dry erase board? If not, buy one. I’m not going to buy you a dry erase board. Once you have one, put it up on the refrigerator or in some common area. This is your chance to shine. If they are messy leave a note that says you’re tired of cleaning everything yourself. If they’re loud, leave a note saying that you’re worried the neighbors are going to file noise complains. Do not verbalize anything. Only leave notes. Use post-its if you can’t afford a dry erase board (you loser).

5. Do they use your body soap? Use their toothpaste. THIS DOES NOT WORK IN REVERSE.

6. Do they smell? Up the fiber in your diet. Unleash a series of dangerous farts. This is a 2 birds/ 1 stone scenario as you will be exercising your colon* and repaying your roommate for smelling like gym-farts. (*consult a doctor to make sure you’re healthy enough for this endeavor)

7. Do they watch stupid TV shows? Make random Facebook posts disparaging their favorite shows. Be subtle. Do not go overboard by saying you’d like to HOARD his/her bones and ship them to be LOCKED UP ABROAD. No one will understand you. Friends will stop calling you. etc.

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