Ginger Rolemodels

Growing up ginger is tough. Kids can be cruel. If they’re not accusing you of having stolen their soul, they’re asking you why you’re so pale (“like, are you going to die?” or “but you’re so pale, why don’t you get a tan?”)

Someone should really write a manual for kids that are born with red hair. We need all the help we can get! But no one has (probably because redheads only constitute 1-2% of the human population so it wouldn’t be financially feasible.)

Do not fret, young gingers! You are in luck. I have compiled a list of famous and celebrated gingers that you may admire and aspire to be like. Treat these beings like deities. Or at the very least like a college girl treats Marilyn Monroe (hang posters of her all over your dorm walls, post things she may have said as your Facebook status, hide in the bathroom at a party and cry “because Marilyn would have”.)

I am your ginger Yoda. My words you will listen to.

Christina Hendricks:

Everyone loves Christina Hendricks. She has transcended being a ginger. The fact that she has red hair is only like the third thing people notice about her. Christina Hendricks has proved that if you’re a ginger you can still be one of the hottest women on the planet. All it takes is a really good bra and some fashionable 60s garb.

I would imagine that upon giving birth and being told that the child is a ginger, the first thing a new mother does after much crying (seriously, after being told their newborn has red hair people react as if they were told the child was born hermaphroditic) is look at the glass half-full and think “Well, maybe my kid will look like Christina Hendricks.” And maybe they will. But probably not. The world is unfair.

Natural redhead: no. She’s a natural blonde and began colouring her hair red at age 10 after reading Anne of Green Gables.

Julianne Moore:

Most people feel sorry for Julianne Moore for being born ginger. But don’t be. She has been nominated for four Academy Awards. She has kissed Pierce Brosnan, Mark Ruffalo, Steve Carell, Colin Firth, Clive Owen, Alec Baldwin, Annette Bening, and many other famous and attractive faces. She’s 50 and has the skin of a young 30.

As a ginger, the beach is my nightmare. It’s hot, there’s no shade, people laugh when you lather yourself in 60 SPF every 45 minutes. But every time I am forced into going to the beach I think about Julianne Moore. As I’m reapplying my sunscreen I think about her skin and how youthful she looks. Then I think about Tan Mom. People may make fun of you for looking like dying E.T but you will never look like Tan Mom. Maybe the world isn’t so unfair after all.

Natural redhead: Yes.

Conan O’Brien:

He’s the reason your girlfriend has a sexual leprechaun fantasy- don’t ask what that is.

Conan is the type of ginger that sarcastic redheads admire. When getting teased in the playground/cafeteria/by the water cooler about your freckles (“hey ur freckles are god’s poop! lololol”) just think of Conan standing majestically in his jeggings and shoot back a pithy comment about your bully’s mom’s pill addiction. Sure, you may get punched in the nose but bruises cover up freckles so problem solved?

Natural redhead: Yes

Prince Harry:

“Prince Harry is so hot, even though he’s a ginger” is the kind of remark that usually prefaces any conversation about the attractiveness of the Royal family’s spare heir. Also, a lot of “He’s, like, the only ginger guy I would ever have sex with” is something that’s often, drunkenly, uttered. To people with socially accepted hair colours, these mutterings would be considered as insults. Redheads have to take what we can get, though.

An imagined scenario: The entire Royal family has gathered in some ballroom for a fancy royal dinner (totally what they call those events.) Everyone’s there- the Queen, Prince Charles, even nasty Camilla Parker Bowels. Sycophants are fawning over William and Kate but Harry is standing in the corner (maybe in his Nazi regalia) and can be heard loudly and drunkenly repeating in their direction “Sure, maybe I have red hair, but at least I have hair!”

Prince Harry is hot and he owns it.

Natural redhead: yes.

Emma Stone:

Remember what her hair looked like in The Help? Enough said. Piece of advice: don’t mess with your hair’s natural colouring too much. The summer I turned 13, I saved up my babysitting money and went out and got a perm. I looked like a cross between Reba McEntire and Carrot Top. It was horrible. I was stuck with it the entire summer. My mom kept saying “Don’t worry, this will build character.” And maybe it did, but now I can’t enter a hair salon without fainting.

Ever since Super Bad, Emma has been Super Good (I know, I’m sorry.) She’s made out with Ryan Gosling, she attended the Oscar’s, she hosted Saturday Night Live, and now she’s dating her The Amazing Spiderman co-star Andrew Garfield. I would hate her if she wasn’t so awesome. I like to (delusionally) think of myself as Emma Stone before Emma Stone was a thing. No one agrees with this, but it’s true. No, it is.

Natural redhead: no. Originally a blonde.

  • 見え透く/Nikki

    No Micheal Fassbender?!

Featured Writers

Joel Ingersoll

Joel Ingersoll

Joel Ingersoll is a Clevelander living in exile in Saint Paul, Minnesota with...

Elle M

Elle M

Elle is a theoretical land bridge connecting Siberia and Alaska that sank into...

Roger Taylor

Roger Taylor

Mr. Taylor is a freelance aphorist available for both corporate retreats and...

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos is a writer living in Los Angeles who learned at a tender age that if...

Mike Primavera

Mike Primavera

Mike Primavera lives comfortably off his family's pasta fortune. In his free...

Listen to The Impersonals Podcast, feat. interviews w great tweeters