You Guide To Small Talk

So, chances are you’re like me and despise everyone.

You hate the impossibly old woman behind you in the coffee line filling you in on her super gifted grandson, your cab driver talking about his struggle in his motherland and the guy lingering beside your treadmill at the gym.

I’ve composed my own small talk guidelines guaranteed to carry you through the million awkward conversations you’ll encounter in your lifetime:

Bars Bars and clubs are filled with sweaty man (or lady) leeches and try-hards touching on your butt. One minute you’re staring at an awful couple grinding and the next there’s a slithery little man creeping on you.

The Situation:
Some dick asks “what do you do for fun?”

  • “Weasel taming”
  • “Tucking back my dong”
  • Start speaking in tongues and drool uncontrollably until they walk away. Note: If they stay you’ve got a red alert rapist on your hands

Children Kids have no bullshit detector so 98% all you need to do is smile or high five them. The other two percent is them showing you their backpack or shoes like you give a shit.

The Situation:
Your niece shows you a picture she drew of a dog and it’s essentially a sad brown mass with a yellow tail. What a fucking mess. What the hell do you say to that?

  •  ”Dog-dog or dead-dog?”
  •  ”Listen Picasso, maybe a little less brown and a little more actual drawing of a goddamn dog”
  •  ”OK, you OWN a dog I’m not sure how you fucked this one up completely”

Workplace An office setting is a stuffy atmosphere crammed with people you didn’t ask to spend eight hours a day with. In some cases you’re sharing elevator rides or walks to the parking lot/subway station.

The Situation:
Linda’s here and she has a dramatic new haircut you don’t want to acknowledge.

  • Run to your desk screaming “blanco diablo”
  • Sit in the washroom for an hour
  • Murder Linda
Misc Tips!
  • DO NOT initiate conversation unless you’re trying to figure out if the person is a deaf mute
  • Keep nodding. If you stop nodding they’ll switch to a subject 300 times more boring than the previous
  • Use responses like “is that right?” or “how IS your father?”
  • Don’t express the slightest bit of interest in any of their stories about their kids or you’ll be invited to one of their birthday parties.

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