Your Morning Breath Sucks

So, you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! How wonderful for you. Do you guys finish each other’s
sentences? Text each other smiley faces for no reason? Post sepia-toned couple pics on Facebook? Aw.

I bet you guys also share a bed sometimes too, huh? Sorry to hear that. Even when I’m one of those sad, lonely, pathetic, worthless, single people you only read about in the news or Jane Green novels, sharing a bed with someone is something I absolutely do not miss. And here are 5 reasons:

1. “What situation could possibly be happening in your mouth right now for that noise to be
generating from your face.”
Ever been in a situation where the person next to you was snoring so badly that you thought he was suffocating? But then you were happy at the possibility that he/she might be choking to death because then at least you’d FINALLY GET SOME SLEEP?

2. “There are literally 15 pillows on this bed yet you are still on mine.”
Get your goddamn heavy, over-sized head off of my mother-fucking pillow.

3. “Uh-oh, the dog must have farted again! (LOL).”
Look, this one is obviously for guys because girls don’t fart (but seriously it’s like fart suppression can’t be good for your intestines, let’s get to the phase in our relationship where we don’t give a shiiiiiit).

4. “You’re fucking up my REM’s.”
Each time you toss and turn, that’s one less REM my eyes are getting. Or something. Whatever, I’m not a scientist; I just know that REMs are good, and your random body twitches are not.

5. “Are we cuddling or is my body being engulfed by a Venus Fly Trap.”
When your limbs are
intertwined so fixedly that you’ve taken the term ‘human pretzel’ to a whole new level, you’re
not being spooned correctly. Here is a sample script of my internal organs’ dialogue when I find myself stuck (literally) in this situation:

Right Lung: Hey man, you awake?
Left Lung: No
RL: If you’re not awake why are you talking
LL: What do you want
RL: We’re suffocating
LL: Dude we’re not suffocating
RL: Uh, yeah, we are
LL: Uh, NO, we’re not
RL: We need to tell Brain
Brain: Hey did someone say my name
RL: Sorry to wake you lol jk I know you never sleep but I think we’re suffocating
Bladder: I’m on it. How is he not getting the hint? NO ONE pees gets up to pee this much.
Nose: Ew, do you guys smell that?
Colon: That DEFINITELY wasn’t us this time…
Colon: …lol jk
Everyone in Unison: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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