(IMPORTANT: DO NOT SUBSTITUTE FOR ANY OTHER ALBUM.)
Jack White, of the former White Stripes, recorded a music record recently. I’m pretty
sure he even used some instruments to do so, i.e. guitars and drums – NOT MARCAS
THOUGH! – but this is unconfirmed. White calls this album Blunderbuss.
Being a big fan of Jack White I am also a big fan of Blunderbuss, due in part to the
transitive property, which states: if A bears some relation to B and B bears some relation
to C, then A bears that relation to C. It’s basic logic, dumb-dumb. Go back to school,
they teach these things. PS – I did not learn this in school; I had to research the transitive
property with Google, so hold your positive impression of my intelligence.
Anyway, back on track. Jack White’s Blunderbuss (bonus points to anyone who can tell me what this means – points get you nothing, not even my respect) could be listened to in a variety of manners. However, I want the best for you and therefore want you to truly experience this album, as it should be. To do so, follow these steps:
STEP ONE: Open iTunes/download iTunes if you were just unfrozen from a pre-historic
ice cube, Encino Man.
STEP TWO: Download Blunderbuss from your iTunes store.
2B): You may, if you are anything like me, not have a good credit score. Don’t worry. I bet your mom has a credit card in good standing. Just tell her you need her credit card to buy groceries and you haven’t had a vegetable in 5 months. She
will have to say yes; it is motherly instinct to properly feed her child. Now, use her credit card to buy Blunderbuss from iTunes.
STEP THREE: Sync Blunderbuss to your iPhone (NOTE TO APPLE: please express mail a free iPad to my home address in compensation for all the unsolicited promotion). Now, it may seem strange that I don’t have money for a ten dollar album, but I can afford an iPhone. Well, my mom pays for my iPhone and its service. Be sure to get your mom to
do the same. It is VERY important to the whole experience.
STEP FOUR: UNTANGLE YOUR HEADPHONES. This always happens, am I right!?
STEP FIVE: Plug your headphones into your iPhone and shove them in your ear holes.
WARNING: DO NOT PRESS PLAY!
STEP SIX: Press play.
STEP SEVEN: Listen to the whole album. Good, right? Like, really good. What did you think of I’m Shakin’? I liked that one. If you didn’t like the album then shut up and get out of here! I don’t want to see you! LEAVE!