Job Interview

Job interviews are hard.

Always.

God.

Worst.

There has never been an easy job interview and if you’ve been through an *easy* one you’re probably an all-around dickhole to begin with and I hope you never find a job.

I’ve prepared a quick and dirty guide to surviving job interviews (quick because I wanted it to fit in your pocket and dirty because that’s the term, GET OVER IT)

I’m just going to straight up give you some lines to throw out there during a job interview ‘cause I’m feeling pretty godamn generous:

  1. Before we begin let me start by saying I have a very old, sickly parrot who will accompany me to work on a daily basis. Please continue.
  2. I have never had athletes foot and I am a team player
  3. I can do various impressions of Asian dictators and I am not a bigot
  4. No, I think NOW would be a good time to discuss salary (then pound your fist on the desk and take a sip of the interviewer’s coffee)
  5. I have never used the breakroom sink as a toilet
  6. I am an excellent candidate for this position because I own many copies of National Geographic (zoologists only)
  7. My extensive knowledge of pie filling will benefit this company
  8. I have excellent problem solving skills and have watched every episode of the Littlest Hobo
  9. I will not organize a fight club until my probationary period is over
  10. I wear a wreath of garlic I hope this will not be an issue

Attire 

  • Show a lot of skin (ladies AND gentlemen) that one was obvious ladies
  • Argyle because it’s distracting
  • Potato sack (I haven’t tried this but you should because the fabric is very light in case you sweat like a pig)
  • Crocs

  

Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: What is your greatest weakness?
A: Mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Q: What major challenges and problems did you face?
A: Most were wig related, next question please that was too easy.

Q: Do you prefer to work independently or on a team?
A: I’m kind of a lone wolf and have been known to eat my young.

If you take my advice you will land your dream job*

*please take my advice, you will land your dream job

 

Featured Writers

Joel Ingersoll

Joel Ingersoll

Joel Ingersoll is a Clevelander living in exile in Saint Paul, Minnesota with...

Elle M

Elle M

Elle is a theoretical land bridge connecting Siberia and Alaska that sank into...

Roger Taylor

Roger Taylor

Mr. Taylor is a freelance aphorist available for both corporate retreats and...

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos is a writer living in Los Angeles who learned at a tender age that if...

Mike Primavera

Mike Primavera

Mike Primavera lives comfortably off his family's pasta fortune. In his free...

Listen to The Impersonals Podcast, feat. interviews w great tweeters