3guys

1. The Rager: He’s the one who offers you MDMA immediately after groping your left breast. You know, that guy who dropped out of school to DJ? I’m sure he’s a great person, but don’t get caught up in the hype. If someone can get lost that easily in a scene, they’ll likely lose themselves in another woman’s pants before you can book a second date.

2. The Frat: “YO. COME AT ME BRO!” If any guy says anything even slightly along the lines of that sentence, calmly grab your friends and walk to the nearest rest room to quickly purge and tweet about it immediately afterwards. Frat boys are undeniably the worst. Sure, keg stands are fun, but there’s a point when a boy needs to become a man and realize naked beer pong has now progressed to a homoerotic gong show. He’ll be the one at the bar who calls his wingman “bra” and spends his time on the dance floor feeling for yours.  Don’t be fooled by his avid “texting” either. He’s checking the three missed calls from his Mom who wants to lock the door so she can go to bed.

3. The Ironic: AW. Hipster guys are so cute! Oh wait, you’re just an asshole? I like your ironic “Franky Says RELAX” T-Shirt, but now you’re judging me for not knowing the rest of the lyrics? Now, most of the time, quirky guys hold the key to my heart. HOWEVER, there are a lot of really pretentious assholes who think they are above literally every gathering they take part in even if it’s the usual underground venue they occupy with their equally questionable peers. If a guy like this sarcastically compliments you or judges your taste, simply remind him that he’s at the same bar you are, by choice, and no amount of Instagram photos can make him as cultured and interesting as he portrays himself to be. You’re at a bar buddy, Franky says…RELAX!

Now, I realize everyone can fall into parts of these three categories. They are also over generalized and stereotypical and blah blah it’s just an article get over it.

SO WHO REMAINS? Fun guys who don’t try to hard to project an image! They’re the guys who make jokes but are open to what you and your friends have planned. They have their own style but aren’t rudely commenting on everyone else’s. They like to have fun but aren’t trying to OD and throw up all over your best friend’s dress. IT’S CALLED A HAPPY MEDIUM – and it’s hard to find.

Next bar visit? Go sluttily grind with the Rager and Frat boy. Talk down to the Ironic. Then leave the bar and go home. Call that cute guy from work you’ve been talking to the next day, and drink lots of water, because bars these days are flooded with horror. And, well… YOU DESERVE THE BEST, GUUURL!!!

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