I’m kind of a huge foodie and when it comes to fine dining I’m kind of a fucking expert. I’ve gathered some of my favourite recipes together so you can enjoy them.
Medley de Concombre (Cucumber Medley, dummy)
1 slice of Bread
1 tablespoon Cream Cheese (NOT PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE YOU DON’T WANT ANYONE TO THINK YOU’RE POOR)
4 slices of cucumber
- Gently place your bread on a small plate
- Find your cream cheese (Gary where did you put the cream cheese?) Gary doesn’t know where he put it? He’s always fucking losing things… OH it was in the crisper. That’s so dumb why would anyone put it in the crisper?
- Threaten Gary with butter knife
- The cream cheese isn’t soft enough so have a cigarette and come back
- Perfect, now spread the cream cheese on the toast
- Shit, I didn’t tell you to toast it first?
- Ok, put it in the toaster
- I don’t know, how do YOU like your toast?
- Great, so then put it on a light setting
- I know, the popping sound always gets me too, so scary!
- Ok so we have freshly toasted bread and soft softened cream cheese, so spread it on
- More towards the outer edges
- That’s it, great
- Place four slices of cucumber
- It doesn’t matter where you put- did you wash the cucumber?
- OK WASH IT, JESUS WEPT
- Ok now put them wherever
Tomato N Shit Explosion
2 slices of bread
2 tablespoons of mayo NOT MIRICLE WHIP, I should’ve actually put a note at the beginning letting the reader know that you may not read this article if you prefer Miracle Whip or I will have you castrated.
4 cherry tomatoes
Dill Havarti I don’t know, like a lot of it. There was no science involved just figure out how much you like cheese and go from there, I can’t hold your hand through every sandwich.
- TOAST your bread
- Gently place your toast on the plate
- Oh? Now your toast is too hot. Ok fucking wait then, wuss
- Cool enough?
- Give Gary Chinese finger trap
- Slap on mayonnaise and slap your knife against the mayonnaise for that sick sound
- WOW do I actually need to tell you the rest of this?
- Cut the cheese
- Very funny.
- Cut your cherry tomatoes in half
- YEAH, PLACE THEM ANYWHERE, WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS
- Turn on Mad Men (important)
- Ah, you don’t watch Mad Men? You’re stupid, skip this recipe
- ANYONE ELSE? IS THERE ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE THAT DOESN’T WATCH MAD MEN?
- Perfect, place your bread on the plate
- Where’s the tablespoon?
- Is there a reason the spoon is in your mouth?
- You were eating spoonfuls of mayonnaise, of course you were because you couldn’t wait five minutes for the Jon Hamm
- Lock Gary in the dog kennel
- Find a new spoon and slap on the mayo
- EVERYONE SHUT UP DON IS SPEAKING
- That hair
- God dammit he’s dapper
- Arrange your ham slices artistically
Julia’s Hangover Toast
1 slice of bread
1 tablespoon of peanut butter
1-3 Marshmallow Peeps (I USUALLY USE THREE BECAUSE I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL! YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME?)
- Buy peeps during March or April. I like to buy them the day after Easter and hoard them in my freezer
- Do you have peeps?
- I told you you needed Peeps for the last recipe
- I don’t have all fucking day Gary
- Fine, use marshmallow fluff
- I’m never working with you again
- Place your TOAST on a plate
- Which side is up? They’re the same on either side are you stupid?
- Ok, spread your peanut butter
- Sure, crunchy, smooth I don’t fucking care
- Place your desired number of Peeps
- Spread the Marshmallow Fluff because you’re too stupid to follow directions
- Murder Gary
Please photograph your sandwich creations and beautify them on Instagram or else I’m not fucking looking (I will anyway)