I admit I was a bit conflicted as to what route to go with for this week’s column (like, I knew it would be doing a Jew-ey post because, hello, it’s Passover on Friday and it’s coinciding with your pagan holiday so I’m feeling pretty magical) So, in preparation I did an online quiz and wouldn’t you know it, I’m not a self-hating Jew so yes, I am qualified to write this article. I didn’t know if I should write “Passover 4 Dummies” or “The Tales of Jewey McJewerson” but I didn’t want to offend, so I used my pea brain and I thought I’d just throw a blanket over the Jew topic and clarify some shit.
What I’m trying to say is, we’re recruiting so fucking learn something for once, idiot.
What’s the most annoying sound you can think of? DON’T SAY NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD OR JULIA DAVIDOVICH…
WRONG! TO WHATEVER NOISE YOU JUST CHOSE, because it’s the sound of a 17 year old Jewess and her mother. Whether they’re shopping or loudly discussing their drink order in the Starbucks line reading every fucking menu item off and picking it apart until they’ve reduced their order to a cup of foam and grounds:
Mrs. Rosenthal: WHAT?
Mrs. Rosenthal: WHAT?
Rachel: What’s a macchiato?
Mrs. Rosenthal: EXCUSE ME; WHAT’S A MAC- MACCHIATO I DON’T KNOW IF I’M SAYING IT RIGHT…
Barista: A macchiato is…
Mrs. Rosenthal: HONEY, I CAN’T HEAR YOU
Rachel: MOM SHE’S TRYING TO-
Mrs. Rosenthal: I CAN’T HEAR THE COFFE GRINDERS ARE SO LOUD RACHEL, CAN YOU ASK THEM TO STOP GRINDING
Barista: *blank stare*
Mrs. Rosenthal: OK I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING FRUITY IS THAT WHAT A MACCHIATO IS IT FRUITY? RACHEL ASK HER IF SHE SPEAKS ENGLISH
“WHY ARE JEWS ALWAYS SO LOUD, OBNOXIOUS AND PICKY?” -You may be asking but may not be because you’re aching for more diologue between Rachel, her mother and the possibly Puerto Rican barista (I didn’t give the barista a ethnicity or a gender) …….the barista could even be an octopus or have a dog face because: I believe in your imagination.
Where was I going with this? Right. SO LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS! G-D, WHY IS THAT? FUCK YOU I DON’T WANT YOUR ANSWER, IT’S STUPID BECAUSE I DON’T AGREE WITH IT! GET OUT! Can you bring me a handful of those almonds? No, the ones in chocolate when you come back? Thank you.
Stupid Inedible Food and Restrictions:
I’ll focus on Passover because I ALREADY TOLD YOU IT WAS THIS WEEKEND! Passover is like, the worst possible spread you can think of served on a plate separated into sections because you’re a toddler.
- Stupid herbs (slavery thing)
- Nut thing that looks like mud (mud thing)
- Salty vegetable (mmm)
- Lamb shank (because this is a dinner and we aren’t a bunch of fucking rabbits, oh what? We don’t fucking eat the lamb? Ah, it’s decoration, sorry everyone normal)
- Fucking hard-boiled egg (ugh)
- Lettuce (Lettuce)
- Shitload of matzah (cause a Jewish Holiday wouldn’t be a Jewish holiday without a fun wheat/yeast restriction)
Everyone: Ohhhhhhhhh my gawd is your hair naturally curly?
Everyone: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh my gawd you’re so lucky I always wanted curly hair I can’t do ANYTHING with my hair!
And by that point I’ve snipped a lock from your weave so I can make a voodoo doll.
It’s not simply curly, it’s like having a roll of absorbent paper towel for hair and you can’t do anything about it. You can’t call your lawyer, you cant rub money on it, I’ve tried everything. YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH? GET A FOREVER PERM- A PERM I JUST MADE UP.
I found a bunch of old pictures and I learned a couple things:
- My hair was a grotesque mass of curls shaped like a pyramid
- My brother had beautiful, manageable WAVY hair (but what a fucking loser look at his socks and sandals)
- My dad could never pull off jorts and we have the same sad brown hair (Ricky = blonde? Ricky = probably adopted)
- I’ve been hiding my hair from an early age with stylish hats. Can we fix it? No we can’t.
Note: I placed the most recent first so you can watch my nose decrease in length for a fun optical illusion!
Bonus Tips for making Jewish friends:
- Tell them you’re 1/4 Jewish, they’ll be really impressed
- Try pronouncing our long last names, it’s cute
- Bagel earrings/coasters
- What was I saying? I forgot I was thinking about shoes
- Right, how to make Jewish friends
- Become a Lawyer, Doctor, open a shop that buys gold jewelry/teeth
- I don’t think I have a pair of black flats for spring
- No wait, I bought a pair in the states