butt butt

Blackberry users, please avert your eye-holes and leave, thanks (I bet they’re still here, robot weirdos)

Q: WHY DO WE WANT INSTAGRAM, JULIA?

A: Uh, probably because the filters make your photos look AH-MA-ZING you stupid idiot! Also, it’s another outlet where you can receive acknowledgement and constant praise.

Q: OK, I’VE DOWNLOADED IT AND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

A: CHILLAX JEREMY! I’m a pretty fabulous teacher:

  • Home –Home is the endless stream of photos from people you follow
  • Popular – the popular page is photos who have like a million ‘likes’ (not really, I can’t count) mostly Asian girls peace-ing/giggling
  • Camera – WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS, JEREMY! You can choose from a bunch of filters like Tea Bag Wiped on Photo or Gothic Sunrise or Grandma’s Whorehouse
  • Notifications – Where you can see who’s following you/who liked/commented BUT BUT BUT, please click the “following” option at the top and see what your friends are ‘liking’ because it’s essentially ALL German Shiza
  • Settings – Booooring

Ok, Instagram has a shitload of rules so the following are the ONLY acceptable categories:

Food Photos

People are always all “stop posting photos of your food, lol I don’t care!” well I say: “fuck you everyone I went to high school with, I’m pretty confident you want to know what goes into my mouth hole!” and I stand by my statement. Truth is: everyone wants to see what you’re eating because they are genuinely interested 100% of the time, fatty fat-fat.

  

Cat Photos

My cat is a magnificent feline and a natural when it comes to modeling. Cats are the glue that holds the internet together and if you disagree, please verbally assault me through Twitter like a real man, Jeremy.

  

Cat with Food Photos

REALLY CUTE SPIN-OFF OF CAT PHOTOS -SEEMED REALLY NATURAL AT THE TIME GUYS, SORRY!
(I’M NOT SORRY)

  

Artistic Photos of Yourself

Photos of yourself are probably the most important part of Instagram because online people forget what you look like (never) so constantly bombard them with photos of yourself in the most attractive angle you can find that offsets your Semitic nose.

  

WHY YES! I am a professional photographer thanks for asking and these photos were absolutely not placed here for the compliments.

Tips

  • When you post your picture use as little words as possible in the caption, examples: “luck” “not horses” “fuck you dad”.
  • BLACK AND WHITE IS SO BORING SO NEVER USE IT (use it once) BUT THEN NEVER USE IT AGAIN!
  • Post every hour on the hour even if it’s just a pen or an ant or if you’re sitting Shiva (it’s not like you’ll be doing anything but crying anyway, pussy)
  • Indistinguishable pictures of stairwells.
  • Dead rodents.
  • Try not to upload a picture when you’re standing in the middle of a crosswalk because you’ll realize all your friends are long gone so you walk home in the rain by yourself because no one appreciates your masterpiece nor the time it took to produce it and you can’t tell your tears apart from the rain.

 

  • http://Website Heyjulia

    THANKS JULIA

  • matt the bratt

    who is Jeremy?

  • https://twitter.com/#!/DeathPR00Fx Pritam

    Loads of compliments for your artistic photos of yourself!

    • http://juliadavidovich.tumblr.com Julia Davidovich

      It’s the kleenex that deserves the attention not me :)

Featured Writers

Maura Quint

Maura Quint

Maura Quint is a writer who received the silver medal in the '88 Calgary...

Thomas Green

Thomas Green

Thomas Green is a writer, podcaster ("Wrestlefolks: The Podcast" on iTunes), and...

Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

Jake went to college with Impersonals editor Matt Brand, and there was instant...

Nigel R.

Nigel R.

Nigel's ability to comment on himself is deficient at best.

You can find him...

Adam Rensch

Adam Rensch

Adam Theron-Lee Rensch is a writer & musician. He is currently finishing a...

Listen to The Impersonals Podcast, feat. interviews w great tweeters