Ladies! How is your man doing? Are you always going to be there for him? Always have his BACK? Because by my calculations many of you are heading into the times when a man starts to change. This isn’t the change that turns a boy into a man, it’s that one that turns a man into a beast. Now this sounds scary and don’t worry, it is, but I want to help you prepare. Here is a guide to all the different stages of a man’s dark transition time.
The Battlefield: Talk to any seasoned hairy back man and he will say that The Battlefield is a young mans game. This is the stage when a few hairs start popping up. Picture a battlefield where only a few men have been left standing, staggered along the plains as the wind whistles through the area and they sway back and forth, alone. Treasure these moments with your man because the hair will come thick and fast very soon. This is the stage where many women want to name the hairs they find and I want to advise you not to. Instead, tell your man that everything will be ok and slowly start rubbing his back because you are going to need to get used to it.
The Forest: To keep the metaphor going, the battle with surprise pop up hairs is over and guess what. You lost. Never will a woman win unless she wants to shave his back every night. Now that the battle is over, the landscape has changed and a forest has grown over the land. A forest of hair. This is the time when a man is at his most fragile. You think we are tough but it is pretty hard for us to look in a mirror and not think we are Cesar from Planet of the Apes. The best thing you can do for your man right now is to be gentle. When you pass him in the morning and he is naked don’t start laughing or trying to throw cereal at him to see how much gets stuck in the wilds of the woods. Offer to take him into the bedroom and let him do whatever he wants to you. Why? Cause anything he does won’t involve his back facing you so now when you laugh at him after it’s all over he will know it was because of his poor performance and not his hair!
The Swamp: If you have stayed with your man for this long congrats! By now you are married and he is working hard in his job. It is also by now that the forest has slowly turned into a swamp due to years of labor. This is the same back you know except there is sweat everywhere. The hair is a sticky mess and as you run your supple lady hands back there (if you still do) you may feel like you are grazing the top of a bowl of soup much like a dragon fly coasting along a swamps surface. EWWW your man is gross now! Not entirely; you don’t have to keep rubbing his back. Why don’t you try rubbing his groin area instead? He will enjoy that much more and then make sure that when things get heated you just flail your hands in the air instead of wrapping them around his moist furry body.
Winter’s Bone: By now you two have grown old together and theoretically you probably can’t even read this article because you are going blind. Winter’s Bone occurs when your man’s back swamp has dried out and a sudden winter has started making all the “leaves” fall. Yes, your man is shedding…uncontrollably. You can’t sleep at night because you are covered in the hair you once ran your now leathery old hands through. Here is a solution, when your man gets up at night because he has dementia and likes to wander, go behind him and pat him on the back many times. In his transient state he will think his grandson his patting him on the back and all the while you are making all of his hair fall out on the floor. Depending on the amount of hair this could take a while but when you are done not only will you be able to sleep soundly, your floors will be covered with hair so your feet won’t get cold when you walk around!