Note: If you live in a small town please close this article because this doesn’t apply to you and your covered wagon, Jebediah and cast of 30 Million Kids & One Loose Vagina.
Ok, now that all the country mice have left we can be straight: there is basically a film of urine covering every inch of the city you live in and I didn’t want to scare the out-of-towners since they’re already terrified of us and our gun wielding rapists (and why shouldn’t they be?) I’ve milked my giant brain and come up with some tips on keeping your paws pee-pee free on a daily basis.
Eating out is gross and hard (not really, who are you?) It’s easy because someone else is making your food. The issue is you don’t want to eat food laced with E. coli because you’ll shit your pants. Since someone is making your food, chances are they’ve also been holding their Johnson in front of a urinal and how can you trust a Neanderthal crafting your delicious ham sub? YOU CAN’T! YOU JUST CAN’T!
Subway Sandwich order step-by-step:
You, the sub consumer is concerned about the cleanliness of the kitchen and the filthy hands making your baja ham exxxtravaganza sub
- Ask Terry when the was the last time he washed his hands. If Terry’s answer is not sufficient, MAKE HIM wash his hands in front of you, then soak his hands in a bleach solution (note: carry bleach solution with you -10:1 water and bleach. It’s the correct way to clean a litter box and you should assume this sandwich artist has some shitty hands).
- Next, choose your bread, ignore insane suggestions about Honey Oat bread. (It has the most calories …also, why would you want sweet bread? You sick fuck). Diet tip: Get the Lettuce ‘N Ham bowl
- Ask Terry the Sandwich Artist to wash the ham
- Inspect ham before letting Terry place it on your sensible whole wheat bread
- Inspect all vegetables for pubic lice before letting Terry gently throw pounds of iceberg lettuce atop your ham
- Tell T-Bone to squirt some sub sauce on that bitch (I don’t know if Americans have sub sauce, it’s like this delicious Italian dressing, please let me know so I can decide if I ever want to visit your country ever again)
- Throw your exact change somewhere relatively close to the register
- I know those cookies look good but move along
- THEY ARE FROZEN COOKIES, MORON! TERRY JUST TOOK THEM OUT OF THE FREEZER AND THREW THEM ON A PAN AND BAKED THEM, NOTHING HOMEMADE ABOUT THEM
- Fine, one cookie, now re-count your filthy change BECAUSE YOU ARE DISGUSTING AND WEAK
If you’re still uneasy about ordering at a fast food place –go out for Korean BBQ and cook it yourself, modern day Julia Child show-off! I personally hate Korean BBQ because I don’t eat things off of a grill that just had squid sizzling on it so I just torture the shrimp and eat a bowl of rice.
People do some weird shit with their money when you think about it. People use bills to snort their devil’s dandruff, hold coins in their mouth and butt (party trick) and most importantly bills have been inches away from a stripper’s fly tap.
“Julia, how the fuck do I keep cooties off my coins?”
Use plastic instead, it’s easier anyway I don’t know why anyone would bother carrying cash
“Julia, that’s stupid because I frequent strip clubs and fruit markets. HOW TO DEAL?”
Ah, well in that case wear adorable sailor gloves!
“Julia, what about the stank in my wallet?”
Stop asking so many questions, I haven’t gotten that far yet. Use my patent pending bleach solution
Let’s talk about JULIA for once: I don’t want to talk about money anymore because I have none, how ‘bout that?
I love public transportation only because if I didn’t use it I’d probably have to learn to drive. The beauty of living in the city is when someone asks you why you don’t drive so you can say proudly “why would I need to? I live in the city and I love farts and invisible farts floating into my mouth!” Then drivers glare (not out of envy, mind you)
Whatever, I fucking hate public transportation so let’s get on with it.
1. DON’T PICK UP THE FREE PAPER SOMEONE LEFT ON THE TRAIN! Like, it’s so easy guys I don’t know why people get off on reading someone’s discarded paper.
2. DON’T TRUST ANYONE! Which is a bit vague but you think you’re having a genuinely pleasant, short conversation about the shitty delay with a stranger until BAM they sneeze into your fucking mouth. That seemingly normal topless fellow with a broken arm: RAPIST! Ok, so maybe it’s obvious that he’s probably a rapist but now you’ve let your guard down and he’s roofied your evening bus screwdriver.
3. DON’T EAT ON THE TRAIN! OK SO I’VE EATEN ON THE TRAIN SEVERAL TIMES –it’s the other people I don’t trust and not because they get beef patty flakes all over the seat it’s just that they look like disgusting hogs when they eat and I don’t want to watch that. THIS LAST TIP HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GERMS JUST YOUR OVERALL SUBWAY EXPERIENCE, SO SUE ME! I CARE ABOUT YOUR WELL BEING!
- Bedazzled SARS mask –remember SARS? Well throughout the terrifying weeks of SARS people were wearing those white mouth masks in subway stations (which I can’t remember the name for), so if you want to look good, bedazzle it. I’m not your fucking mother, figure it out.
- Bat (the wooden kind, not the adorable animal)
- Wrap cling film to any care skin (ankles, that hideous part between the top of your pants and your shirt) your “back”
- Don’t leave the house
- Julia’s bleach solution/energy drink (it’s just bleach and water but I’ll sell you it)
- Eat something off the floor and then induce vomiting so you remember next time (great for kids)
I hope I haven’t* put the cootie fear in everyone but maybe it’ll inspire you to make some life changes or try a new bread at Subway™
*I sincerely hope I have, stop being so stupid