struggling_douche

Are you just too popular? Are you piloting your knowledge and education down the slippery slope to worthwhile and meaningful achievement? Well, with these helpful hints, you’ll be able to reverse these mortifying trends and realize your full douchey potential while dramatically reducing your party invitations and gaining a lot more of that elusive solitary down-time.

The Bard
Nothing says “douche” like monologue in place of dialogue (aka “conversation” or “actual social congress”), or the gratuitous flaunting of your erudition. Poems are especially good for this purpose because they have a determined length. In a simple prose lecture even the briefest pause may inspire your listener to become your interlocutor by attempting a word in edgewise, which may lead to thoughtful conversation-kryptonite to any self-respecting douche.

The Deejay
Recommended for those in a hurry, this removes the need to mingle, and allows you demonstrate your douchiness to everyone at the party simultaneously. Rummage through your host’s CD collection or iPod, pick a track and then call for all the other guests to be silent while you share you superb musical taste with all assembled. Classical music is good here (and generally long!), but Leonard Cohen or Tom Waits will also suffice. Running commentary by you is optional, but may backfire by making others think it’s okay for them to talk also. (For advanced douches only: put on a Billy Joel song and pontificate on how Billy’s depth and profundity sail right over the heads of the common hoi polloi.)

The Obnoxious Oenophile
Without bothering to get permission, open a bottle of wine (preferably brought by another guest), invite others to join you, set out several glasses, and pour only for yourself. Swirl, smell, repeat for at least two minutes, then taste, raising index finger in an admonitory gesture should anyone else try to pour him or herself a glass. Let the next words that pass your lips be “yeasty” and “tart,” both technically ambiguous, but almost always pejorative terms in wine connoisseurship. With any luck, everyone else will have left you by this point and sought refreshment elsewhere, leaving you with the bottle to yourself!

The Missionary
Upon arrival, make a quick survey of all the food on offer, then make a quick trip to the bathroom to do a discreet Google search for [relevant food] + animal cruelty. If you can’t find anything, make something up (there can’t be eggs and veal at every party) and passive-aggressively mention this “fact” to everyone you spot consuming the food in question.

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