Mr Simmons

I go to the gym like three times a week for a max of like an hour because I’m genuinely concerned with gaining my very own badonk since I was blessed with a white girl ass which I call my upper-upper thigh. Anywho, what I’m going to do is give you some sound advice on how to look PROFESH while you sweat like the gym piglet you are and how to recognize potential threats to your swag.

Enthusiasm & Positive Energy: You want to create a positive, enthusiastic energy around you and get everyone PUMPED to work out. Your gym journey begins with the receptionist so I’ll give you some fun examples on how to respond to their generic greeting:

  1. Receptionist: “Hi Gym Patron, have a great work out!”
    Gym Patron: “YOU TOO!” (because I say the same thing to movie theatre ticket takers) then follow with “nice buns, phone slut!” and give her a high five and a wink.
  2. Receptionist: “Hi Gym Patron, have a great work out!
    Gym Patron: “Thanks toots!” then point at her legs and say “you’ve got taut hamstrings like a fucking banjo!”
  3. Receptionist: ”Hi Gym Patron, have a great work out!
    Gym Patron: “WHATEVER TOWEL JOCKEY! Get your eyes off my glutes you fucking animal!”
Next, you’ll walk into the change room where you’ll pass the usuals and your goal is to make them your bitch (or create alliances so you can pick on other gym types, whatever your goals are)

Yoga God/Goddess:
The Yoga God or Goddess can be one of the two extremes: extreme princess (male and female) or extreme boho sweat rag. The princess will usual show up in actual gym clothes from a specialized yoga store whereas the boho sweat rag will show up with their overbearing stank and freedom pits. Basically you’ll smell boho before you see him or her and the gym princess will arrive with an entourage.

New gym friend? They like compliments and zen.

Zen Level Achieved

The Surly Foreign Naked Euros:
Usually if they aren’t talking you can tell who it is by seeking out the giant naked lady who stands in the middle of the change room and is ALWAYS in your way and you wonder WHY? WHY ARE YOU IN MY WAY? YOU COME FOR THE SAUNA, YET YOU SPEND MOST OF THE TIME IN THE CHANGE ROOM PRESSING YOUR BARE ASS AGAINST EVERY POROUS SURFACE! ..Be advised that they have poor balance and will likely fall ass-first into your lock.

New gym friend? They like snacks and hugs.

European Sausage

Cellphone Asshole:

Ah, self explanatory. They talk on their cellphone in the change room, during their workout and they’re huge assholes with one speaking volume. I know you don’t give a shit about “what that bitch Sandra said at your nephew’s 5th birthday party and fuck her! Who does she think she is? And no, it probably isn’t his but she’s only with him because of his dong”

New gym friend? Just avoid them because they’re mentally unstable.

"I'm sorry, you'll have to speak louder! I'm being a total dick wallet!"

Attire:

Wear bright colours like the fitness peacock you are!

Dress for success, morons! I pull up my colourful, warm socks as close to my knees as possible so everyone knows I’m there to get my sweat on. Also, wear leggings so everyone can see your ass goals and how they’re progressing. Wear shoes if you have them, if not no one gives a shit, wear sandwich bags fastened with rubber bands.

    

Common Area Etiquette:

FYI: Common areas include basically any shared space between you and that clammy lobster panting beside you (sauna, change room, pool, showers)

Most people say to wipe down machines after use but I think it’s important to leave your scent on the machine (like a dog without all of that messy urine) you want people to know you trained HARD. Keep your cellphone in your locker but turn the ringer on full blast so everyone knows you’re very important as the texts and calls roll in. Lastly, use the sauna to your advantage. There will probably be a sign telling you not to pour water on the rocks so pour Gatorade on them instead.

Spacious Morgue Lockers

Tips:

  • Spend most of your workout checking the mirror to make sure your stomach is sucked in and your hair isn’t a disgrace
  • Stretching is for bitches and seniors so just get right into your work out
  • Grunt A LOT! How else are people going to tell that you’re really into squats?
  • Lunge everywhere: lunge to the bathroom, lunge back to the elliptical then lunge to the water fountain then lunge back to your elliptical
  • Eat the generic moisturizer the gym provides you with to stay trim and moderate internal salt levels

    

I hope I’ve given you all the confidence you need to go out and become a sweaty mess at your local gym!

  • http://flavors.me/elaine4queen Elaine Axten

    LOVE “lunge everywhere”. may start doing it in the street.

    HELL NO to first of all that quite frightening ‘yoga’ position – compounded with that man touching my bits when i am beyond pretzel shaped.

    great read.

  • http://singlegirlblogging.com singlegirlie

    WTF???!!! I don’t get a taint massage in my yoga class. And they’re charging me $25 a month? I’m filing a complaint.

    By the way, there was no mention of gym fart etiquette. Could you please review?

    • http://juliadavidovich.tumblr.com Julia Davidovich

      Firstly, NO ONE has offered you a tantric taint massage? That’s some BS, take ‘em down sister!

      Fart etiquette: NO SAUNA FARTS! As a general rule I think farts can be released ONLY if the sound of the machine is louder than the fart. I’m a firm believer that seniors should have their own yoga class where it’s just strictly farting at like 6am when no one is there because they can’t control themselves.

  • https://twitter.com/#!/DeathPR00Fx @DeathPR00Fx

    That was really funny. You make me laugh hard, Julia! Happy Slut’s Day to you too! xox

    • http://juliadavidovich.tumblr.com Julia Davidovich

      You’re a doll, sir!

Featured Writers

Alexa Kocinski

Alexa Kocinski

Alexa Kocinski is a writer from Minneapolis who has made three valiant attempts...

Maura Quint

Maura Quint

Maura Quint is a writer who received the silver medal in the '88 Calgary...

Thomas Green

Thomas Green

Thomas Green is a writer, podcaster ("Wrestlefolks: The Podcast" on iTunes), and...

Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

Jake went to college with Impersonals editor Matt Brand, and there was instant...

Nigel R.

Nigel R.

Nigel's ability to comment on himself is deficient at best.

You can find him...

Listen to The Impersonals Podcast, feat. interviews w great tweeters