Last week I went to Vegas with my pally Jenn and since we have no shame when it comes to saving money. No, not like eat out of garbage cans you psycho.
We’re just frugal.
What-the-fuck-ever, let’s get on with it.
We stayed at Imperial Palace which is a shit kingdom located on the strip. I’ll begin by linking you to a couple of their worst reviews before we continue.
Ok, so now we all know that Imperial palace is crawling with thieves, stained with blood and home to the smelliest curtains on the strip I should also mention that we’re not picky, just really cheap and we’ve stayed there before and that we aren’t into smelly fixtures. However, if I could write a complaint I would say that the water smelled like farts and burnt hair.
So, my first picture of the hotel is our security system which is yes, an ironing board. How will that help you ask? If that thing falls we wake up. Also, leave your tv on when you aren’t in the room and when you’re asleep. If you want to take it a step further, throw up on your doorstep like one of our neighbours or employ a drunk night-watchman (also what I assume our neighbours did)
Leave your “do not disturb” sign for housekeeping all day but give them a treat at the end so you don’t look like a complete dickhole. And lastly, leave food offerings for the night-watchman (pictured: pizza, plate with ham and water) we also made a lifelong pigeon friend.
Food, glorious food
Buy a lot of the food elsewhere and dine on your bed like the disgusting animal you are because you’re staying at the Imperial fucking Palace because you have no self respect.
Baller tip: If you want to class it up, buy Groupons and use coupons.
For some reason we were free shit lucky. At the Toronto airport some woman didn’t want her fucked up latte (like, hello, yes I’ll take your fucked up drink! I LOVE MILK) THANKS A LATTE! I said (no I didn’t) Jenn got an EXTRA nugget at the Wendy’s and a free medium fries. Maybe we look poor? Dress poorly. Maybe that’s the ticket.
And because we have no shame we used a coupon at Serendipity 3 for a cold chocolate.
Alright, that was borderline gay.
I bought a shirt with foxes on it. I don’t think I should even be allowed to talk about shopping because of this thing so I’ll just leave you with my fox shirt and let their adorable fox faces do the talking.
See a show! NO, DON’T! Just walk the goddamn strip because that’s where the entertainment is. The streets are littered with crazies so why would you even need to spend money on a show? However, if for some reason God sent you an old man with a story, a story about his sister in law who fell and broke both of her ankles. He and his wife will hand over their drag show tickets to you for free!
So, below we have our free tickets to the drag show and the woman who would not quit dancing to every song. She didn’t care if it was lady-man Cher or beefy Beyonce. Next is the homosexual red-panted male in our bathroom and the tender moment between man and dino-woman.
Lastly, the eloquent lady who was on our shuttle to the airport who upon meeting us told us her “drawers were to tight and she didn’t shave today” then she stuck her hand down the front of her drawers and proceeded to scratch. I zoomed in so you could all have a good look at the mess we were dealing with. Who travels with Pringles, fuck.
- Bring hand sanitizer -because there is literally a vomit film on every surface and you’ll likely touch many things that women with tight drawers may have touched or slept on
- Cured meats because they don’t need refrigeration and you might want a delicious salty snack while you’re walking the strip (this is a serious tip, I don’t understand why you think I’m trying to be funny because I couldn’t be more serious about cured meat) .. (really, I’m an enthusiast) .. (my basement is filled with inside out cows)
- Water bottles for after all of your salty cured meat snacks and general thirst because you’re a human who requires water throughout the day
- Pepper spray
- Ziploc bags -for your feet
- Ziploc bags – in case you want to feel like you’re in an episode of CSI and just start picking up cigarette butts and photographing the area. Too fun!
So go on and get (frugally) wild, and don’t forget to bring your foot bags!