Lady Bear

My commute one way to work is around an hour and twenty minutes depending on the factors it is held hostage by: traffic, crazy people, buses arriving early, buses arriving late, Molemen. Every morning my internal monologue babbles continuously: “I’m so stupid, why didn’t I pee before leaving the house” or “ohh my god this bus is a fart tunnel” or “ahhhhhh shit fuck there’s coffee in my sleeve, ahhhhhhhhh keep walking to the back, don’t let them see you cry”. But I’ve learned a few things in my travels, and will hereby relate my public transit wisdom to you, free of charge:

MYTH: It’s as easy as grabbing a seat and turning on your iPod.
FACT: It’s a daily battle that can turn you into a cursing, rabid swamp monster. I sound like a nutcase every time I recount what went wrong on my route since I know when my buses are scheduled to arrive. Often when I call the office when I’m late it sounds like I’m having a Tourettes outburst: “the DICK WALLET 8:09 bus left early so now I’m sitting here at the station waiting for the ASSHOLE 8:21 and that’s late so NOW I have to catch the 8:33 and FUCK JESUS, WHY? I DON’T GET IT!”

MYTH: In the winter it’s way easier to take transit, no need to wipe off your car and no sitting on the highway driving at a snail’s pace.
FACT: It’s worse. Everything is delayed, every method of transportation is packed and you’re often left standing with a bunch of people at a bus stop complaining bitterly and chain smoking. Once on the way home in January of last year post-storm I ran into someone I went to high school with. I had to spend fifteen minutes pretending not to see him and then the next half an hour nodding at his “hat-rash” stories once he recognized me on the bus.

MYTH: Public Transit is crawling with germs

Now, I feel like I should list some of the most popular public transit types so you can recognize then and understand how you can deal with them:

The Sleeper:
Where would the Sleepers be without your shoulder to lean on? Nowhere, it seems since they cannot simply sleep without an aid. Once you reach the end of the line you consider waking them up and letting them know but why would you?

How to Deal: MOVE YOUR SHOULDER; spray your shoulder with PAM? Butter it?
Result -a delicious smelling shoulder and a sleepy Simon with his head safely rested on the window:

Shitty Kids:

Kids are the worst. Between September and June they’re part of your commute. They’re notorious for never offering up their seat to pregnant ladies or old folks. On my commute there is a Catholic school three bus stops away, so instead of these plump, loud and obnoxious children walking a couple metres they insist on filling up buses regular people taking a bus three thousand intersections south would require.

What’s worse than a pack of children? AN ENTIRE CLASS FIELD TRIP! There are roughly thirty kids and two teachers, one that’s staring into space and the other who makes an effort to settle some kids down but instead hovers around Jeffrey who keeps getting out of his seat to steal another kid’s hat. CONTROL YOURSELF, JEFFERY! JEFFERY? HELLO?! JEFFERY! I’M GOING TO COUNT TO TEN, JEFFERY!

Fuck Jeffery, honestly.

How to Deal: Nothing. You can’t do anything about kids and for god’s sake please don’t hit them because kids these days are enormous and will bite your face off. Sometimes giving them the side eye helps, though.

The kid on the left was attempting to burn his pants with the sun and a magnifying glass. Science! The kid on the right was wearing two hats and had his feet on the seat.


PDA & Klassy Kouples:

I lumped these two together because it’s my article and I do what I want.

Usually they’re spotted on the drunk bus (the vomit comet) YOU WOULD THINK! In actuality I see more PDA (public displays of being an ATROCIOUS example of the human race -is what I think it stands for) in the day time. Little known fact: Klassy Kouples are covered in a think layer of goo and that goo is distributed all over the seats where you put your tote that holds your LUNCH -provided you have a second seat to your disposal)

How to Deal: Do not make eye contact because it only excites them. The sooner no one feeds their gooey egos the less B-MATING (bus mating) they’ll do.

To be honest after snapping these photos last year I immediately threw up in my lunch tote so we’ll have to assume that it was mating season and perhaps they were procreating.


Honourable mentions:

  • The Transit Foodie, eats his banana and leaves the peel
  • The Morning Makeup Artist, starts with a bit of chap stick then before you know it she has full on Chola Brows
  • The Underground Up-keeper, kind of like the Morning Makeup Artist, except they clip their nails/pluck hairs from their chin

And lastly, I’ve got a couple tips for you guys:

  • STOP: being a soft bitch. If people are charging the doors of the subway when you’re walking out smack then with the butt of your gym bag and then karate chop the back of their knee so they remember.
  • WEAPONS: gun, taser, shank, pen, literacy
  • Find a single seat and you wont be elbowing anyone’s meat -also, chanting this helps if you’re piling on a bus with a million others


Featured Writers

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos is a writer living in Los Angeles who learned at a tender age that if...

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian who splits her time between her hometown...

Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

Jake went to college with Impersonals editor Matt Brand, and there was instant...

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski is a writer, performer and 1,000-year-old dragon that engulfs his...

Listen to The Impersonals Podcast, feat. interviews w great tweeters