1. The First Love

This is the purest relationship you will damn well ever be in. You’ve never been in love before, you’ve opened your heart and made yourself completely vulnerable to another human but it’s totally fine because you are soulmates, dammit! And you will be together forever and this feeling will never, ever end! But then it does. And it HURTS. WOW. Like, your heart stepped on a lego. Times a million.

In fact, the pain is such that it’s amazing to you that people manage to get over break-ups every day and not die from them. Because you are dying. Crying, driving past his house, throwing up, feeding the voodoo doll of his new girlfriend trans fats and dying.

This relationship/break-up is pivotal because it will provide you with the necessary issues, wariness, and insecurities needed to plague/inevitably sabotage your next few relationships.

2.The boyfriend who is gay but you both don’t know it yet

This guy usually happens early on, like in high school or college when no one knows shit about their shit. You’re too young and smitten to question the fact he takes longer to do his hair than you do, and you think it’s adorable that he loves to dress you up like you’re his own personal Barbie! In hindsight, many women report these commonly missed pink flags:

  • He’s far hotter than you are (which upsets the Dating Universe rule that says guys must be equal to or less hot than their girlfriends. Look around you. Then look at Hugh Jackman’s missus.)
  • All of his best friends are female.
  • He encourages you to spend MORE money on getting your nails did.
  • He has a Ryan Gosling poster taped to the ceiling above his bed.

This guy rules because even after you break-up (and it will always be a friendly break-up – the only thing you two ever argued about was your lipstick colour washing him out), you guys will stay best friends 4 evahs.
3. The Loser

Every smart, confident, attractive girl I know inexplicably dates at least one epic douchelord in their lifetime. These floating turds of the gene pool can start out like normal boyfriends, but then two years in you realize in horror that you are dating an unemployed, bong-smoking bag of dicks who stays up all night playing World of Warcraft and eating cereal with his cat. To distract you from noticing he is an emotionally retarded man-child, he will doggedly attempt to lower your self-confidence until you believe you can’t do any better than him, and be honestly shocked when you DO dump his splattery cola-and-hotdogs-diet ass because he genuinely believes he is an exemplary male specimen. (Thank cripes pot lowers sperm count.)

These guys are fantastic for making you appreciate singledom. Oh, and all the nice guys you’ve been ignoring while wasting your ‘hot years’ on scumbags like these.

4. The Secret Lover
You’ve never told anyone about him and be honest – you’re still guiltily trying to convince your memory this clandestine pairing never happened.

Why, as you’re reading this you’re having a squelchy little flashback to your Professor/friend of your father’s/married guy, aren’t you?? You saucy little shame fortresses!

Whether it was morally or ethically wrong, super embarrassing, or just hidden from judgmental female friends, these are the affairs that were probably only exciting because of their forbidden nature. (Duh.)

The heart wants what the heart wants, but the erotic splendor of dating a circus freak is somewhat dampened by the disparaging response from ‘society’, and being spat on by ‘my mother’.

5. The one who turns you into a basketcase

Before him, you were a self assured, not-uncool lass with her very own identity. By the end of this short-lived, mostly one-sided affair you will have degenerated into a stalky, wince-inducing drafter-then-deleter-of-unsent-text messages. YUCK.

This guy is heart-achingly good-looking, and cool. He hates bands you won’t ever hear of, eschews anything you thought was borderline undorky, has a music studio at the house he shares with a Japanese artist and his jelly-wrestler wife, and drives a 70′s muscle car. Blah blah blah – the list goes on. You know the guy.

Everything he does is sexy poetry. And he’s hooking up with YOU, you lucky, little hag! Even though he clearly has a thing for girls who look like perpetually pissed off lesbian bikies. You know this because he points them out to you. Not that you care. I mean, you were thinking of cutting your hair uber-short before this anyway.

Make sure you agonize over the 3 hour delays in text message responses, and pad out the booty calls with movies you can intelligently discuss afterward and enough gin that he can’t drive home.  In a devastating yet predictable move, he will eventually skip town with the female vocalist from his bedroom electro outfit (who looks like a perpetually pissed off lesbian bikie).

At least you can listen to Beyonce again.

6. The Friend-Zoner

Usually a rebound boyfriend after one of the above buttheads breaks your heart, this guy has been waiting in the wings for some time disguised as a well-meaning friend.

These relationships are normally ignited by a shoulder-crying session turned boozy fumble-fest. He’ll declare he’s waited for this moment for years and KNEW you’d finally realize how perfect you are together and WOW this is FINALLY happening!

After you find your bra, you figure you may as well give it a shot. Hell, you’re close friends, you have a ton in common, he’s seen you at your worst and he’ll never hurt you. Too bad the idea of sleeping with him sort of grosses you out.

After a few months of weaseling your way out of opportunities to be nude and investing in granny knickers (turns out they turn him on), you’ll most likely cheat on him with someone hot but totally inappropriate and ruin the friendship, ya big bitch.

Try and at least save him for after ‘The Loser’ where you’ll properly appreciate his good guy attributes way more.


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