January 31st – February 6th

If you’re a normal human being, you spent all of last week in the same manner as I did: You thought about Madonna‘s Super Bowl Halftime show until you got diarrhea. I was worried that she was going to get up on that stage, start gyrating, and scores of young people across the nation would cry out “Oh no! Grandma escaped from the nursing home! Someone get her off that stage! She’s got a bum hip!” And then the new generation would realize that that’s not somebody’s Grandma, it’s that woman Lady Gaga keeps trying to kidnap and make a skin suit out of, a la Buffalo Bill.

Then she performed. And it was embarrassing. She was slow, and she stumbled around. My favourite part was when she sang Like A Prayer in front of a gospel choir, and African orphans dropped out of the sky, and Madonna informed the crowd that she would slaughter them as a tribute to the Gods. As she rolled around on the field and drank their blood, I got so anxious that I had a panic attack. And then I blacked out. So maybe it would be a good idea to check in on what else happened last week.

- Daniel Radcliffe said that he would sometimes show up to the set of the Harry Potter movies still drunk from the night before. I think in honour of this, maybe they should have called one of the movies Harry Potter and the Beer Shits?

- Shirley MacLaine is joining the popular British soap opera Downton Abbey. She will play a combatant for Maggie Smith‘s character. Forget East Coast vs West Coast rap battles, we’ve got a new Tupac and Biggie!

- The Hollywood issue of Vanity Fair is now on newsstands. It is super Caucasian and captures actresses Rooney Mara, Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Chastain, and Mia Wasikowska making pretty faces at a camera. Here is a sample of the conversation they had while this was being photographed:

Jessica Chastain: Oh, how I feel so special to be featured on this illustrious magazine’s cover! It is such a delight! Life is wonderful!

Mia Wasikowska: Yes, Jessica. I, too, agree that life is mahvelous!

Jennifer Lawrence: Can you two shut up? I’m trying to be sultry and sexy. Goddamnit, I’m so hungry.

Rooney Mara: Ugh, I am literally SO OVER this. I told them I can’t wear pink. How am I to be taken as a serious actress when I’m in such a frou-frou dress? I’m better than ALL of you! I have an Oscar nomination!

Jessica Chastain: So do I.

Jennifer Lawrence: Me too, Mara.

Roony Mara: Oh my God. I need to get out of here before anyone finds out my father owns the New York Giants and I come from Old Money. See you at the Oscars, bitches!

- Last week, Real Housewives of Beverley Hills castmember Brandi Glanville said that she and Gerard Butler had a week-long sex affair. Gerard Butler retorted that he had no idea who Brandi Glanville is. Then the entire world admitted they also had no idea who Brandi Glanville is.

- In that movie about porn star Linda Lovelace, Sarah Jessica Parker has replaced Demi Moore. Here is a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker as Gloria Steinem. I spent an inordinate amount of time struggling to decide if I should make a Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse-joke. At first, I was determined I would not. I thought, “I am better than that!” But then I knew my audience wanted it, neigh, they deserved it. Anyways, here she is in a blonde mane on set.

- In some magazine or some kind of interview or some kind of statement (I really don’t care about her) Blake Lively said: “I’ve had four boyfriends in my whole life. I’ve never been with anyone that’s not a boyfriend. If I spend time with a man, it’s because there’s somebody that I know well who has been a friend for a while.”

What Blake regretted to mention is that her four boyfriends have been her dad, brother, uncle, and that weird neighbour from across the street. Gossip Girl has got some issues.

- Reports surfaced that Lindsay Lohan was seen boozing at a SAG Awards after-party last week, which enraged the former actress. Lindsay is now threatening to sue the media outlets that published the story. A source told TMZ that Lindsay is upset because she feels like false stories like the above are sabotaging her effort at revitalizing her flagging career.

After reading these reports, O.J Simpson and Casey Anthony sympathized with Lindsay and sent her an invite to join, what they say, is a very exclusive club. And only I, have the statement they released to the media.

Dear members of the LAMEstream media,

We, Orenthal James Simpson and Casey Anthony, have extended an invitation to Lindsay Lohan to join A.S.S (Acquitted Survivors of Scandal.) It’s a society for the protection of people that have been pilloried in the media for being “different”. Even after getting our lives back on track after our own tragedies, the media has continued to harass us! There is no escape!

Lindsay is a young girl and we would hate for her to have her life ruined because the bloggers are such HATERS. Talk about sipping the Haterade, are we right? We meet once a week to talk about issues relating to our plight. Usually this involves reading out comments written on various internet sites of people that write in all capitals about how they want us to die, burning Barbara Walters effigies, and eating cheesecake! It’s a fun way for us to blow off steam.

We invite Lindsay to join us. There is no need for the media to continually create false stories that threaten her career. How will she ever star in The Parent Trap 2: Parent Trapped if the media continues to allege that they saw her in a gas station bathroom shooting heroin into her eyeballs? How will she ever win an Oscar before she turns 30 if people believe TMZ’s false reports that Lindsay drinks so much alcohol on a regular basis that she routinely murders homeless people so she can thieve their livers for her own organ transplants?

Please Lindsay, join us. There is hope for you.

No word on if Lindsay Lohan has chosen to join A.S.S.

- Kim Kardashian allegedly slept with Bow Wow years ago. No, this is not a Khloe Kardashian joke.

- Rosie O’Donnell‘s fiancée is reportedly trying to get pregnant. You can @reply Rosie on Twitter if you have any spare turkey basters you don’t plan on using between now and Thanksgiving.

So, uh, how bout that Super Bowl, eh? I feel so bad for poor Tom Brady. He lost the big game! He had to head home, all forlorn, to one of his multiple homes and have sex with his wife, the supermodel, Gisele Bundchen! Sadfaces forever! He’s never gonna get over that one!

I’d like to wrap up this week’s column with a new feature called Gross People Making Out. Here they are! Gross! Icky! Ew!

This is Nick Carter and his girlfriend. They are our inaugural gross people making out.

Also for good measure, here is a photo of one of George Clooney‘s castoff girlfriends making out with a gross Jackass.

Have a good week everyone!

XOXO,

The Pop Culture Psycho