cosplay

The question is inevitable: “How did you meet your lover?” The one thing you don’t want to do in this situation, obviously, is be honest.  Do you really want to go through the humiliation of losing everyone’s respect after you inform them that you met that unsightly “catch” on JDate or eHarmony?  You are going to need to have a story planned:  a good one, one that falsely shows you are capable of attracting the opposite sex.

Telling lies is the only way you’re going to get ANYWHERE in life, and I’m here to help you in that department.  Here are a few stories you pathetic online daters can use to make yourself look like less of a waste of existence when asked about how you met your soulmate.

  1. I was on a flight to Japan for business reasons, but mostly because I’m the man.  She was the flight attendant.  She approached me and informed me I was so stunningly attractive that she had to have sex with me in the airplane restroom, that instant.  We knocked boots.  Sparks flew.   I was the best she ever had, blah, blah, blah, next thing you know it was love.
  2. I was saving a bunch of orphans from a fire, again!  She happened to be walking by as I boldly brought ten latino kids to safety.  She knew I held the “heroic” quality she was looking for in a man.
  3. The bros and I were playing some ultimate Frisbee.  She wanted to join the game but everyone laughed because she was a girl.  I decided to be the nice guy and let her play.  She saw my kindness.  I saw that thick booty.  BOOM….love.
  4. We were both in the audience at a semi-pro wrestling match.  One of the wrestlers was making sexual comments and provocative gestures towards her.  I stood up and said, “Hey buddy, you better treat this woman with some respect or I’ll clean your clock!”  Long story short, I kicked the dude’s ass and she and I became an item.
  5. I was banging her less attractive cousin, Andrea.  Andrea was having a pool party and she was there.  She was looking fine, so I told Andrea that her and her one-piece suit could take a hike.  When Andrea left to go hiking, she and I began talking and really hit it off.
  6. We met in Best Buy when we simultaneously reached for the Clay Aiken Greatest Hits album.  It was love.
  7. I was taking the Harley for a joyride and smoking a ‘Port.  I saw a lonely hitchhiker on the side of the interstate.  She had bangs, but I looked past that and could tell she was kind of cute.  I politely offered her a ride by saying, “Hop on, bitch!”  Girls just can’t resist a bad boy.
  8. We took a Yoga class together.  She had flexibility issues so I told her to come by my place after for some “practice.”  “Practice” was actually sex in this reference.  She picked up on that and of course couldn’t resist the offer.
  9. It was just your average dinner, alone, at Denny’s.  All peace was abruptly ended when a woman began choking on a piece of ham.  I rushed over and gave her the Heimlich.  She was so grateful for me saving her life that she let me give her the Heimlich again later, if you catch my drift. Do you catch my drift?  I porked her.
  10. She was sitting a pew over from me in church one morning.  I farted during the Lord’s Prayer.  I’m talking “ripped my pants”, Taco Bell-type fart here.  She laughed, winked at me, and then seductively licked her lips.  It was weird but kind of hot.  After mass she touched my shoulder and whispered into my ear, “I like your style, fart boy.”  I was actually quite frightened so I asked her on a date in case she was going to murder me.  Turns out we were meant to be.
  11. We had competing lemonade stands across the street from each other.  We decided to team up for business reasons, and because I threatened to destroy her stand and face with a bat.  We built quite a bond through squeezing lemons and harassing children for money.
  12. She was walking her dog, and he pooped on my property.  I took out my crossbow and aimed it right between that idiotic miniature poodle’s eyes.  She started crying and was all like, “Please! Don’t do it!”  So I didn’t kill her dog, and I guess women like that.
  13. We were on a cruise around the Gulf.  There was a fat Persian guy standing on the deck, bragging about his gold chains and prostitutes.  She and I began conversing about how much we hated this guy, and she bet that I wouldn’t push him over the railing.  Of course, I did it and we laughed hysterically as he drowned.  We found that mutual sense of humor and disgust for Persians which we had been searching for.
  14. I was at the carnival and I overheard some girl bitching about how badly she wanted the giant panda. I, of course, had to be the hero and help this lady get that enormous panda.  But those rings didn’t want to stay on those bottles.  Luckily I had my pocketknife on me.  I got the panda for free, the girl of my dreams, AND I got to witness an old man soil himself.
  15. We were both chaperoning our niece and nephew’s prom, respectively.  All the kids were rubbing up against each other and calling it dancing.  I asked her if she wanted to help me show these kids how to really get down on the dance floor.  Next thing you know, we were bumping uglies on the floor of a high school gymnasium  All the kids left screaming, which left us with a really romantic atmosphere.

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