I work in an office setting, and guess what? I’m really cheap. God that felt good.
I hate malls and do most of my shopping at Winners (the Canadian TJ Maxx) after the gym when I’m all disgusting and irritable on the weekend. In my eyes, it’s the only way to make a decision because if I can’t wiggle my sweaty legs into neon leggings, I can’t buy them.
I usually roll into work wearing one of my three thousand cardigans, jeans or leggings and seasonable footwear:
- Summer & Spring: flip flops
- Fall: moccasins
- Winter: boots -until I change into my office moccasins which I call Officans©®™*)
*I would never call them officans in public
Here’s a collection of my Officans©®™ worst offenders this season:
Left to right
Nordic Know-It-All, A for Effort, Flood Pant Surprise, Wizard Casual and Ugh
I know what you’re thinking: “You’re the poor man’s Anna Wintour!” or “Are you a Peruvian cave dweller?” or “Can you send me more shots of your ankles? My email is firstname.lastname@example.org xo” You’re all very sweet but I’ve always dressed like an Asian teenager. I’ve always assumed that no one looks at my feet because no one has ONCE complimented my socks.
I went through some of my photographed evidence outfits of last year and have listed them with a description. Let me “looks” guide you:
The Hamburglar’s Apprentice
This is an outfit I remember well because it is very tight so you’re kind of like a little sausage and everyone thinks you’re about to rob them WHICH IS BENEFICIAL if you work in an unsavory area.
The Accidental Flood Pant
This was the worst ever but you can only pull is off if you have delicate ankles. I wore boots in and forgot that I usually wear my Officans©®™ in the office. So instead of clunking around in my boots I decided to just rock it. Also, no compliments on my socks for this one, either.
The End of Romance Cardigan
Ah, this is one of my favourite cardigans. It has crazy buttons, it’s three-quarter length (because everyone hates hot arms, right?) and if you look closely -there is a lady holding a cat and kissing it on the mouth.
So how can you a twenty something dress like a respectable human in the workplace? I’ve got some pointers:
- Dye your hair some bizarre shade of red or purple. That way everyone’s eyes are drawn to the top of your head and your outfit can be party-party-party!
- Get yourself a pair of Officans©®™ and let your colours show through your socks
- Gain a shitload of weight. Does anyone pay attention to what the 600 pound lady is wearing?
- Accessorize with meat! (works well with The Hamburglar’s Apprentice and Shark Week)