Being sexy isn’t all about looking like Kathleen Turner before she was a man, you know. Nope, true ‘sexiness’ is something indefinable, like the way we should feel about Disney starlets who grew epic racks but are still 17 and contracted to 2 more ‘talking inanimate object’ buddy movies or the mouthfeel of soysages.

Sexy is an ‘X-factor’ that you either have or you don’t, regardless of your hotness (and by that we obviously mean as long as you’re a 7 or higher).

So for those of you who suffer from acute unsexiness – GOODISH NEWS! I am going to teach you how to fool people into wanting you inexplicably! Here are 5 sure-fire tips to bring out your inner Tori Spelling:

• Learn the subtle art of eye-fucking
  Spotted a slammin’ hottie in the returns queue at K-Mart? Let him know you’re good at intercourse by levelling him with a lusty stare. Nothing says “Play your cards right and you could be in for a dry wristy in Children’s Footwear,” like squinting a whole bunch and shouting filth with your eyes.This technique works best if your intended target is facing you. Also, some sly winking just adds to your mysterious ‘Is that a facial tic?’ allure.

• Eat dick-shaped stuff
  Really sexy women allude to the fact they crank in the sack by using subtle signals to remind men of sex.  Even if you are staunchly anti-BJ, there’s no harm in eating a banana super enthusiastically in front of your Mr. Darcy once in a while.To get him really hot, throw in the occasional gagging noise, gently cup the hot dog bun, and maintain watery eye contact while you slobber up a storm! He’ll soon see you as far more than just the horny weirdo handing over his drive-thru order.

• Send a seductive text message
  A bit on the shy side? Let your words and telecommunications networks do the flirting for you!Hiding behind a text is great because if your attempt falls flat, you can just be all like, “We haven’t played ‘Inspector Vadget’ in 4EVA ’ was meant for my Gam Gam, not YOU. LOLZ! ”

• Wear sexy underwear under your work clothes
  It’ll be your cheeky little secret! Dig out your raciest set of unmentionables and push your under-pudge into pin-up mode.Offset your incessant scratching and clothes-rearranging with the knowledge that only one layer of flammable fabric separates Dennis from Human Resources from your rayon scanties!Try combining tugging at your perma-wedgie with a languorous eye-fuck.  If the customer backs away, he’s probably just intimidated by your confidence and is sad he doesn’t have any condoms handy.  That’s why he has to leave all of a sudden.

• Work up a sweat
  Exercise is great for a number of reasons. Not only does it make you feel fantastic, it gives you a nicer ass and a preview of people’s o-faces. Next time you’re at the gym, hit the bench press and ask a cute juicehead to spot you.With every rep, make sure you exaggerate your grunting noises like a female tennis player. Be sure to sound like you’re having a massive, shuddering orgasm. Maintain eye contact with your spotter, and tell him you like the scent of his pheromones. Mention that he smells biologically compatible with you, and would he be interested in a post-workout protein shake? And by protein shake you mean would he donate his viable semen to you?

So there you have it. Armed with these 5 confidence-boosting tricks, you’ll be an unstoppable Sex Piranha in no time.

Heck, it might even be YOU applying for the restraining orders in the future!