We all face the hard times of living with a crazy roommate at some point in our lives. Maybe it’s somebody who gets on your nerves or somebody who has ridiculous habits.  It might even be somebody loud, who speaks in a Mickey Mouse voice constantly and screams at every single game on television, no matter what sport.

Oddly enough, I live with somebody exactly like that.  It’s quite an experience, you know, waking up every day and peering over at that same psychotic person sleeping in nothing but a leopard-print thong and rain boots. (The rain boot part is actually fiction, but it TOTALLY completes the visualization, does it not?)

Regardless of the craziness level, you will have to be prepared to both live and put up with this jabroni.  Every little thing about them is going to irritate you.  The mere sight of them is going send you on a murderous rampage!  You’re probably curious as to where you can get the most elite training tips, right?  Well, since I’m here, I guess I’ll enlighten you, ya bunch of sorry amateurs.

Tip 1:  Showing them Who’s Boss

You don’t want to constantly deal with this person’s bull crap.  You have to intimidate them and give the idea that you’re not tolerating it.  Buy a gun.  Don’t use it.  Don’t even waste your money on bullets.  When your hipster, artsy roommate whips out their kazoo, pull that handgun out of your desk drawer, point it at their forehead, and mutter something like, “That’s the end of this nonsense, pansy boy!”  The gun will show him you mean business and the phrase “pansy boy” gives an impression that you’re a bad-ass old man who fought in ‘Nam.

 Tip 2:  Developing a Friendship

Befriending this weirdo is essential.  In the event that they drive you over the edge, forcing you to brutally murder them with a chainsaw, it will be much better for you that you were perceived as a friend of theirs.  Nobody ever suspects a close friend as the murderer. If Cory Matthews was sexually abused and murdered, do you think anybody would even CONSIDER Shawn Hunter as a suspect?  NO! Even though, after the tapings, we all know that Shawn definitely unleashed his inner affections through brute force.

 Tip 3:  Vandalizing Their Property

Crazy Carrie is gettin’ on your last nerve.  You want revenge, but also want a good laugh.  Why not destroy and defile all of her possessions?  That stupid 98 Degrees poster needs to go anyway.  Urinate on it.  Spray some canola oil on her pillow.  Take the wheels off her swivel chair and replace them with hamsters. Your roommate will either notice before sitting and be puzzled, or sit down and accidentally kill herself.  Either way, she’ll probably feel so awful that she’ll drop out.

 Tip 4:  Most Important!!!

You’re going to want to keep this one in mind, folks.  Every night while this person is sleeping you must put a sticky note on their forehead.  What you write varies based on the ethnicity of your roommate.  Try something like, “Your existence is a waste,” or “Go Home, Foreigner!”  Make sure to be really mean and hateful so you can truly get the message across.

Now you are fully prepared to live with a crazy person.  Keep these tips in mind and this person will be a pleasure to live with.  And you will definitely NOT get arrested.  You’ll probably be really cool.  You might even be the talk of the town.  Either way, that nutjob’s  shenanigans will be minimal.