Yay! It’s Senior Prom time!  You’ve told everyone who will listen for years that you hate school dances, that you hate anything even remotely related to school spirit.  You’ve never even been to a football game.  But, let’s get real.  You’ve seen Pretty In Pink one too many times not to go at all.  So, just admit that you’re going and suck it up.

Now, who to go with?  Two people have asked you.  One you’ve had a crush on since the first day of sophomore year when you thought his hemp necklace/polo shirt combination was “oh so irreverent.”  The second looks like how you imagine the vampire Lestat would look.  You’re friends with him.  You know from experience he’s an excellent dancer and will look good in a suit.  Then, there’s Bachelor Number 3 who did not ask you because he wouldn’t be caught dead at a prom and he goes to another school.  You’re dating good ole’ 3 and he says he’s cool with you going with someone else.  So.  What to do.

You’ll end up picking the first dude.  Let’s call him hemp man.  Hemp man will call you up a week before the prom, when you’ve already bought your dress and shoes.  “Um, I’ve got a little problem,” he will say.  The little problem is that the Homecoming Queen asked him to the prom.  When he said he was going with you, she said, “Who would you rather go with, the Prom Queen or HER?”  His guy friends, in their infinite wisdom, have instructed him to “Go with the chick with the better body, dude.”  So, he’s just gonna go ahead and go with you.  Congrats, loser.

Up until this moment, you’d been regretting your decision. You’d been thinking you should have just gone with one of your awesome guy friends.  But, now that you’ve heard you have competition, you really want to go with him!  You feel lucky he chose you!

You’re soooooooo lame.  There aren’t enough O’s in the world to convey how stupid you are right now.  You make future you sick just thinking about it.

Listen up, here’s what you do.  When he asks, say “No, thank you.”  When Number 2 asks, say, “No, thank you.”  Then, ask one of your guy friends.  You’ll have fun, you won’t feel like you’re cheating on the dude you’re dating AND you won’t show anyone your new lacy black panties in a hotel room at four a.m.  (Well, probably you won’t.  I don’t know.  At least I’m solving the major problems here.)

xoxo,

Older, Cooler You Who Still Cringes When Anyone Says “Prom”

 

P.S.  Be nice to your little sister.  You’re about to go to college and you’ll actually miss that loud obnoxious annoying clothes-stealing biatch.