Maybe it’s time to get off your couch and get out there, in the dating scene. It can’t hurt, right? In fact, it’ll probably help you lose the thirty pounds you put on since you got divorced and started working from home. Don’t you worry, though. We won’t get crazy. I know the idea of having to talk to every person you find moderately attractive is so tiring that you probably just moved from your office chair to your bed in defeat. Baby steps, my friend. Let’s start with internet dating, the least daunting realm of single life.

First problem: I hear these sites cost money? Fear not. Put any of the following into action and your mother will be paying for you to prey on the city’s single population in no time:

1. Print out multiple Craigslist ads for orgies in which you’ve conveniently highlighted the most obscene keywords. Leave them on the dining room table when your mother comes over for dinner. After she spots them, hurriedly pick them all up and mumble something like, “I forgot you were coming tonight! Excuse me while I re-schedule a few appointments,” while sprinting to the office.
2. Start dressing your pet in human clothes. Dresses should be your intro piece, whether or not the pet is female. Take themed pictures of you with your animal and place the framed 8x10s all over the house. Tell your mom how you “happen to believe Jar-Jar Binks is pretty under-utilized in Star Wars themed portraits” whenever possible. She’ll finally see how much love you have to give! At the very least, she’ll know it’s time for you to forcibly dress a human companion in ridiculous clothing instead.
3. Leave a pregnancy test in your mother’s briefcase daily. Call mom while she’s on her way to the office and cry uncontrollably about how you felt like you had to sleep with your boss in order to keep your job. Throw in something along the lines of “It’s SO hard to be a woman in today’s professional world!” By the time she finds the surprise package, she’ll be so mortified by the idea of a bastard grandchild fathered by your 60-year-old married boss; she’ll be dying for you to settle down.
4. Leave porn on every possible technological device you can imagine. I like to sign myself up for numerous fetish websites using my mother’s credit cards while simultaneously getting a virus on the family computer. If you’re a male, leave tissues and lotion all over the house. If you’re not remotely queasy in any setting, consider leaving some by her underwear drawer. Not only will she be disgusted, she’ll find you so pathetic that you’ll be meeting “luvz69gurl” in no time.
5. Two words: Second Life. As far as you’re concerned, every day is just another chance to connect with Crystal, the hot vampire. She hasn’t been on as much lately. Do you think she’s having sex with other virtual boyfriends? I swear I hit those series of buttons much better than anything I do in real life. Some days you’re going to be off, right? Should I have changed my look for the New Year? Maybe one of those giant, fluffy squirrels? NO, DAMMIT. I’M NOT GOING TO CHANGE WHO I AM.