January 16th – January 23th

You know those times when you have work to do but you’re in so much distress from the news that Butter Queen Paula Deen has type 2 diabetes and so you watch Mona Lisa Smile to cheer you up and you sit on the couch all day and stuff bar after bar of butter down your mouth and then your work doesn’t get done? Well, you’re never going to believe it but this totally happened to me! Okay, maybe I just look for any excuse to watch Mona Lisa Smile. And, well, now I can’t think of any way in which to introduce this article. Perhaps we should just get right into it then and hope the conclusion is better. Here we go!

- Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have split up. Maybe if Vanessa’s vagina was a Tim Burton production, Johnny would have wanted to be in it.

- Jay Z is no longer going to use the word ‘bitch’ in his songs after the birth of his daughter Blue Ivy. But ‘whore’, ‘wench’, ‘harridan’, ‘hellcat’, ‘battleax’, ‘vixen’, ‘she-wolf’, ‘nag’ and ‘ogress’ are still acceptable. If you’re having wench problems, I feel bad for you son, I’ve got 99 problems, but an ogress ain’t one.

- In a recent interview with Men’s Journal, Mark Wahlberg had this to say about 9/11 (when it came up, in an entirely organic way, as it often does during celebrity fluff articles) “If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did,” Wahlberg said. “There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

I know what he means, though. The only thing worse than 9/11 is Mark Wahlberg’s movies.

- Breaking Bad‘s Aaron Paul is now engaged. Which sucks for me, because riddle me this, what am I supposed to do with all this meth my dad and I made to offer him as a dowry?

- Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne have split up. Reportedly, the cause of the split was because Avril had to go and make things so complicated.

- Ricky Gervais says he won’t host the Golden Globes again. Oh, Ricky, please don’t say it if you don’t mean it!

- Taylor Swift recently had this to say about her fourth album: ““There’s just been this earth-shattering, not recent, but absolute crash-and-burn heartbreak, and that will turn out to be what the next album is about. The only way that I can feel better about myself – pull myself out of that awful pain of losing someone – is writing songs about it to get some sort of clarity.”

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like she gets broken up with a lot. Like, a lot. So, I compiled a list of People/Places/Things that have broken up with Taylor Swift:

- Puppies

- Homeless people

- Cheese wheels

- Lacrosse sticks

- Jigsaw puzzles

- Lana Del Rey’s SNL performance

- Hair straighteners

- Gluten

- Kelly Osborne showed up to an event looking like this. They say you should dress for the job you want and apparently Kelly wants to be a sickly, elderly, bride of Frankenstein. Just fill out that resume, girl!

- Lindsay Lohan showed up in court again. Clearly the Mayans knew what they were talking about because Judge Stephanie Sautner told her “Keep doing what you’re doing. You appear to be doing well.” Really? Sometimes appearances aren’t everything they seem to be, Judge Stephanie Sautner. One time, I thought the green stuff on my toes was nail polish and then it turned out to be gangrene. And these days, Lindsay Lohan is the human equivalent of gangrene.

- Reportedly Chris Martin, of Coldplay, had a freakout because Gwyneth Paltrow still owns jewelry from Brad Pitt. Apparently, she still owns a tennis bracelet that Brad gifted her. This is what I imagine happened when Chris discovered the jewelry:

While dancing around the house to his own album, Chris Martin sashayed into his wife’s bedroom. He stumbled over the pashmina throw rugs and the DIY kelp smoothie boxes and saw a gift box that he had never seen before. As he went to open it, Gwyneth walked into the room and made a mad dash for the jewelry box. She snatched it out of his hands. Chris let out a high-pitch falsetto scream.

“What’s in the box?” he screeched!

“None of your business! It’s mine!” the Living Well guru snapped.

“Come on, what’s in the box? What’s in the box? Aww, what’s in the box? What’s in the fucking box?” Chris wailed.

And then Gwyneth shot him in the head. And the world was happy, because Coldplay was no longer a thing.

This week, Andre the Giant met with Bilbo Baggins to discuss the rearmament of Mordor Hillary Clinton and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar met to discuss pantsuits and basketball things and ask the important questions, like, “Hey, what’s up with airplane food?” No, but seriously, what did they have to talk about? I’m stumped.

- Teen Mom “star” Jenelle Evans has been arrested twice in one week. She violated a domestic violence protective order and harassed her ex-roommate. This girl is crazy! She officially has more mug shots than all the cast members have babies.

- Katherine Heigl says she would love to return to Grey’s Anatomy. People around the world say they would love to throw Katherine Heigl off a cliff.

- The National Enquirer reports that O.J Simpson is Khloe Kardashian’s REAL father. A source told the illustrious magazine “O.J told me Khloe is his child. It was the big secret that on one in the two families would discuss. O.J bragged about his sex life and many female conquests.”

This has to be the worst news Khloe has received since that time Kim called off her wedding after 72 days. Or that time Khloe got a DUI. Or that time when Khloe was peeing in vases and her entire family walked in on her. Or that time her sister had a baby out of wedlock with Patrick Bateman. Or that time when Khloe went to prom and won Prom Queen but then everyone Carrie’d her. Or that time her own mother wrote in her memoir that she had an affair around the time Khloe would have been conceived. Or that time Bruce cashed in her college fund so he could follow Lilith Fair ’98 around the country. Or that time when I wrote on the internet that The Hunger Games is just what the people that go out to lunch with her end up playing. Oops.

Like everyone on Earth, I did my part and sat down and watched Ricky Gervais host the Golden Globes this past weekend. What a stinker! I played a drinking game by myself where I would take a shot any time Ricky smugly looked at the camera after a joke. I drank an entire beer any time he mentioned God or atheism or giggled when the topic of theology came up. I soaked a tampon in vodka any time Madonna embarrassed herself (those arms!) Needless to say, I was WASTED. But I kept diligent notes of who, in my most humble opinion, made themselves look like a proper asshole with what they wore to the big show. Here are the notes I scribbled down with crayon on scraps of toilet paper as I puked my guts out following the show.

Tilda Swinton

Ground control to major Tom/Ground control to major Tom/Take your protein pills and put your helmet on/(Ten) Ground control (Nine) to major Tom (Eight)/(Seven, six) Commencing countdown (Five), engines on (Four)/(Three, two) Check ignition (One) and may gods (Blastoff) love be with you

Jessica Biel

Take a look at the would-be hero of 9/11 and Justin Timberlake’s midwestern sister wife fiance. Now count how many saggy tits are on Jessica’s dress. I counted three. But I could be wrong. I got lost in a sea of lace. Her dress looks like my grandma’s house.

Piper Perabo

Looks like someone’s pushing hard for a Coyote Ugly sequel. I keep telling Piper that there’s no need for one and that all the loose ends were wrapped up at the end of the first one! The coyotes were ugly! But she keeps saying “No, no, Coyote Ugly 2: Coyote Uglier” and now I’m worried she’ll trade sexual favours to get this movie made. Isn’t that how Joyful Noise was made?

And thus with a grave and heavy heart, I wrap up another week of Pop Culture Psycho (I reckon it’ll only take me another week to learn how to spell ‘psycho’ without needing spellcheck!) I hope you have been as entertained with the asinine exploits of The Most Important People in the Entire World as I have. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to rewatch this week’s episode of The Bachelor for the third time this week. I just can’t seem to get enough of drunk, crying girls. Here’s a picture of the girl he should have chosen! She’s got the best crying face since Laura Dern!

Have a wonderful week, and an even more beautiful weekend, my pretties! As always, leave some dialogue in the comments.