That Time I Accused Him of Having an Erection
Pay for the cab because he won’t pay for the cab. Start laughing and talking about how you ‘don’t like’ him. Force him to make out with you in front of a late night deli for 42 minutes. Say ‘no’ when he invites you back to his apartment. Continue to make out. Pull back. Touch his jeans. Ask if he is erect. Accuse him of being erect. Say ‘That would be weird if you were erect.’ Laugh. Leave. Wake up and tweet ‘Is that your erection or an iPod nano.’ Favorite your own tweet.
That Time I Made Him Cry on a Casual Drink Date
He is paying for your drinks. Tell him he has ‘an exaggerated self-worth.’ Repeat that you think he is ‘not very funny.’ Do this when he talks about how his pilot was picked up by Comedy Central, or Pay Per View, or something. Forget if it was actually Comedy Central, or Pay Per View, or something. Notice his lip shake a little. Watch him leave. Text him and say ‘I’m sry man I’m just a jerk or whatever.’ Sit alone with half a drink and wonder what just happened. Meet your friends at a neighborhood bar. Feel unkind and immoral for a full week. Forget you did this until nine months later. Feel unkind and immoral during the commercial breaks of the syndicated television drama you are watching.
That Time I Vomited on His Penis, et al
Make sure you get it all in there. Feel yourself starting to vomit. Do not stop yourself from vomiting. Try to swallow the vomit. Pretend to be unaware of the vomit. Watch him strip his sheets. Don’t offer to help. Say ‘It was nice to meet you.’ Offer a handshake. Leave. Listen to the Hold Steady on your cab ride home. Know that you have just become a great American bar story. Laugh and pretend not to feel anything. Feel things.
That Time His Friend Died
Text him and ask him if he is back in the city. Read his reply. Refuse to believe his friend has actually died. Live out ‘why’ and ‘how’ inside of your own head for a full two and a half weeks. Feel scared and alone.
That Time I Forced Him to Breakup With Me
Tell him every single day via email, instant message chat, et al that you think he should break up with you. Emphatically refuse to break up with him. Be surprised when he breaks up with you. Call him and tell him you’re different. You got highlights. Also, you believe in him now.
That Time I Told Everyone Everything He Did That I Thought Was Vaguely Deviant
Kiss and tell. Tell everything.
That Time I Told Him His Art Was ‘Deeply Stupid’
Criticize the arc of his anti-war play for no reason. Wonder for years if you meant it.
That Time I Disappeared
Never answer him again. Blame your own ‘trust issues.’ Laugh because you do not actually have ‘trust issues.’ Go to a bar with your friends. Talk about ‘your art.’ Be alone. Need desperately to be alone. Wait a few weeks and forget you needed to be alone. Talk about how you need someone else. Find someone else. Decide you don’t like someone else. Decide you never liked someone else to begin with.
