Cupcake meth

For what seems like the last three hundred years, people have been obsessed with cupcakes. There are at least a billion TV shows dedicated to baked goods: one narrated by that pompous bakery asshole, Cupcake Wars (which sounds really violent but it’s usually a bunch of women in cat sweaters) and Cupcake Girls – which I always found to be the most original.

Whoopie pies are so in, but cupcakes have invaded your city. Try to think of a neighborhood in your city that doesn’t have a cupcakery*. Now, take a drive through the ghetto**where you’ll find nail salon, after hair salon, after random ethnic food eatery with a couple menu options. Places such as these are money launderers.

*This does not include Buffalo.

**Ghettos, however, are rampant in Buffalo.

Most importantly: Meth is cheap and customizable.

Cops know these places are money launderers because they use the same shitty disguises that have been done to death! Kind of like cupcakes, but who the shit would suspect a cupcakery of selling and manufacturing meth? They’re way too cute! Follow the same coffee shop set up: employees are young, attractive twenty-somethings who usually moonlight as musicians or writers. You NEED them because most importantly they’re astronomically stupid. So you open at regular business hours selling cupcakes and cooking your meth offsite. Wholesale orders need to be delivered and picked up super early. Since your employees have no drive or ambition, you deal with the wholesale mess in the AM.

So, you sell cupcakes in a regular store front manned by a couple kids and take wholesale orders (your drugs!). Name them adorable things so the kids behind the counter don’t catch on. Examples:

  • Butter Cream: It isn’t calorie-wise but who gives a shit? Meth users are skeletal
  • Red Velvet: Meth that makes you bleed internally – so hot right now
  • Black Forest: Simply gets you so mangled you black out in a forest
  • French Vanilla: For Euros only
  • Vanilla-Vanilla: These are actually cupcakes – very popular

Note: This business model should only be used with bakeries and boutique shops, never ever a Greek restaurant.

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