Let me start by saying that my experience with cankles is limited. I don’t know anything about them and I can’t say I’ve spotted any while out in public. In fact, my only experience with cankles has been the few times I heard someone say cankles; which I enjoyed thoroughly because I find the word entertaining, kind of like caucus. With merits out of the way, I think any casual observer can now ascertain I’m proficient enough to write this.

Let’s do some observations and why people would and wouldn’t want them.

Observations: I googled some pictures of cankles. My first thought is that these are the ankles of an overgrown baby or possibly someone incredibly overweight. Worrying about cankles when you’re over 300 pounds is like the elephant man worrying about a pimple. As I stare at them longer they almost look like a prosthetic leg but I’m still holding onto my first point as far as the majority of what I’m seeing. There’s a shot of some poor bastard with the worst cankles I’ve ever seen, but he has some kind of skin condition that makes it look like he’s wearing loose pantyhose, so he should probably get that fixed up first.

Now for a list of positives and negatives.

Positives:

• You have the balance of a skyscraper strong enough to support a fight scene in the next mission impossible.
• The ability to fill out a pair of footed pajamas perfectly.
• Hula hoops will take longer to get to your feet.
• You could draw an anchor on one leg and they’d look like Popeye’s arms.

Negatives:

• Gumboots are tough to pull off at the bar.
• It looks like an unfinished boomerang.
• People might think you’re one of those trees from Lord of the Rings.
• Ankle bracelets don’t look very good wrapped around your heel.

Satisfied yet? No? Alright then.

How to hide them:

- Paint them like foot braces and say you broke both your feet working as a stunt double for The Rock.

- Get a tattoo of a regular ankle on your cankle.

- Have a professional carefully chop off your feet with an axe and attach pogo sticks.

- Sew your head to your ass and walk on your hands everywhere.

- Expose yourself anytime someone looks at you to divert attention.

- Cement your feet in buckets and tell everyone you survived a mob hit.

- Realize legitimate cases are rare and you’re doing one of those things women do where they focus on a certain part of their body and disgustedly stare at it for hours on end; which makes it worse in their heads even though men either pay no attention to it or might even find it attractive.