Pop Culture Psycho: January 9th – January 13th

Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhmm ingonyama
Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
Siyo Nqoba
Ingonyama, Ingonyama nengw’ enamabaal
From the day we arrive on the planet, and, blinking, step into the sun.
There’s more to be seen than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done.
It’s the Circle of Life! And it moves us all!

The sun rises over the African desert. The meerkats and cheetahs rise and perk their ears towards the source of light. The antelopes stop grazing and the rhinos begin to move. Elephants lumber their way towards the crowd of animals. Families of giraffes climb up hills. Zebras prance through puddles of water, splashing the elephants that carry birds on their tusks. All the animals of the kingdom gather at Pride Rock. Jay-Z stands at the edge of the cliff, and lovingly gazes down at his loyal subjects.

Through the crowd of animals, there’s a burst of light. Kanye West walks through the path the creatures have created. Beyonce cradles Blue Ivy in her arms as Kanye looks upon the child for the first time. Jay-Z and Beyonce rub foreheads. Kanye picks up Blue Ivy and carries her to the edge of Pride Rock. He looks down upon the crowd and then hoists Blue Ivy into the sky! The animals go nuts, and stand on their hind legs. Elephants trumpet as monkeys dance and the zebras stomp and create clouds of dust. The clouds part and the sun basks Blue Ivy, forming a halo around her head. The animals grow silent and bow down. The Chosen One has been born.

And this, was the scene earlier this week when Beyonce gave birth to Blue Ivy Carter. The B.I.C’s birth has become one of those “where were you when you heard” moments, much like when Kennedy was shot or when Bjork wore that strangled swan to the Oscars. People will be talking about this for a long time. Blue Ivy has already stirred up so much controversy! Between the hoopla she caused at the hospital, and the new track Jay-Z dropped featuring Blue Ivy, you know that Suri Cruise is FREAKING OUT!

In news that’s not Blue Ivy-related (as if this even exists) it was a big week in Hollywood! Let’s get right down to it and see what The Important People got up to this week.

• Kim Kardashian is being replaced by a dog in this year’s Skechers Super Bowl commercial. Sucks for Kim but, at least, Khloe booked a gig!

• “The Devil Inside” made $34 million at the box office this weekend. So, get ready for 7 more of them.

•  Christina Aguilera covers February’s issue of Marie Claire magazine. Also announced is that February’s issue of Marie Claire magazine will only be featured on billboards. (Shh, I’m saying she’s a larger lady. Nailed it!)

• Ricky Martin tweeted from the set of Glee, where’s he set to film a cameo. So if you were wondering if there was any possible way for Glee to be gayer, the answer is yes.

• Tom Cruise told People magazine that he falls more in love with Katie Holmes every day. He said, “Every day I fall more in love with her. It’s been quite an amazing five years because of her. She’s an incredible woman. She’s everything to me.”

For a cynic like me, this was great to read. It’s fantastic that the love is still there after all of these years. It seems like it was just yesterday that ol’ Tommy Boy was jumping on Oprah’s couch and screaming in her face about his love for Kate. Tom finished the People interview  by saying, “Believe me, I know that Kate is a special woman. She learned to enjoy being entrapped in my basement dungeon for a daily eight hours way faster than that old ball and chain Nicole Kidman learned. Oh, how Nicole used to struggle. She was always yelling about ‘freedom’ this, and ‘Please, let me go. I won’t tell anyone.’ that. It was so tiring. Sometimes when she’d be in the basement pit, I would have to do my best Buffalo Bill impression just to shut her up! You haven’t heard a banshee’s screams until you’ve heard the resistance Nicole would put up when it was time for the daily four-hour Scientology lesson. So, yep, I recognize that Katie is a tremendous woman. She would tell you this herself, if she wasn’t chained to a wall in my house right now! Ha! This is off the record, right?”

• Justin Timberlake announced the creation of Myspace TV. Finally, society has found something more useless than Justin Timberlake’s acting career.

•  Snoop Dogg was arrested in Texas for weed possession. Well, duh.

Elin Nordegren demolished the $12 million mansion she bought after her divorce from Tiger Woods. Celebrities- they’re nothing like us! After a particularly nasty breakup, normal civilian girls have perfected a tried and true method of wallowing in that post-breakup depression. This is what we do:

1. Get a box of wine (plural)
2. Surround ourselves with a cat (or several. If you have allergies, substitute live cat with stuffed animals. The more, the better.)
3. Listen to Adele’s “Someone Like You” on repeat. For hours. For days. Hell, for weeks.
4. We may loudly declare to anyone that will listen “I’m going to start thinking and dating like a man!”
5. We’ll get bangs or cut our own hair.
6. There will be passive aggressive Facebook status updates. Here are a few acceptable choices:

“Wish SOMEONE (Dave) would have appreciated the beautiful and rare flower I am. It looks like I grow, alone, in a garden of weeds.”

“All the good ones are GAY!”

“The grass always looks greener on the other side and you took a lawnmower to my HEART!”

“Whatever, Dave. You weren’t my Mr. Big anyways.”

“We were just like Demi and Ashton. Happy until SOMEONE ruined it all.”

“ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, DAVE?”

“</3″

• Kirstie Alley went on Ellen Degeneres’ show and told her, “I’m thinking ugly men might be the solution. I’m talking about butt ugly. Because I always go for handsome men and I think butt ugly would be appreciative.” Upon hearing this, the Butt Ugly Men of America Foundation released a statement. It read: “Hey Kirstie. Go look in a mirror. We don’t want you, either.”

• Sienna Miller is pregnant with her first child. Reportedly she plans to play “Baby Einstein Breaks Up A Marriage” to her womb, as she wishes to pass on her finest talent.

• Madonna wore this superhero costume to the premiere of her film “W.E”. I’m not entirely sure what her superpowers are but judging from her creepily muscled arms, I would guess she has more strength than Superman.

• The People’s Choice Awards aired this week. The only statement I wish to make regarding them: I drink because Demi Lovato makes music.

• Chris Brown plans to focus on music in 2012. His manager Tina Davis said, “There will be fewer interviews. Chris plans to concentrate on performing and recording. We’re not trying to be rude, selfish, or disrespectful in any way. If people are going to judge anything, judge him for his talent.” Personally, I think this is a great career strategy. Especially after the catastrophic moves he’s made in the past few years. He’s a young kid and he’s made some atrocious personal choices. How could anyone forget the horrendous things he’s done? And still his fans will defend him at every turn. It’s really sickening. You all know what I’m talking about- his guest stint on ‘The O.C’ was egregious! He really let us all down with that one.

• Chaz Bono is reportedly saving up $45,000 for a penis. Aren’t there charities for this sort of thing? Like “Penises for America” or “The Make A Wish For a Penis Foundation”? What about a penis fairy? That’s a thing, right? Place the 45 grand under your pillow, and, voila, in the morning you have a brand-new PENIS! I guess the only downside to the Penis Fairy is that he’s hard to get in touch with. One stroke of bad luck and you’ll end up with the Tooth Fairy at your house while the kid next door wakes up crying and traumatized.

That was the week that was! With the Golden Globes this Sunday, we have officially entered Awards Season. It’s my favorite time of year. Not only do I get to drink and mutter snarky comments about Tilda Swinton’s inevitably hilarious outfit, but I get to drink and mutter snarky comments about ALL the outfits. Make sure you check back here next week. I’ll make fun of the three worst-dressed celebs at the Golden Globes, along with the usual helping of pop culture musings and witticisms. It is not to be missed! Have a great weekend, and many pleasant tomorrows.

I’ll leave you now with a picture of what will be 2012′s hottest celebrity pairing. Imagine the sex! Happy 90th birthday, Betty!